I knew a woman whose daughter was murdered. The courts called it a “crime of passion” – an act of domestic violence. It seems her estranged husband visited her, lost his mind momentarily, began choking her and didn’t come to his senses for the 4-6 minutes it took to squeeze her life out of her body. A story like that will certainly grab the attention and outrage of most readers. If that isn’t enough, it happened in front of the couple’s daughters who were just 2 and 4 at the time. He was sentenced to 18-months in prison and given full custody of the girls upon his release. Really!!!??? The scenario gets even more bizarre – the woman I knew forgave him.

I doubt there is anyone who hasn’t attempted to figure out what forgiveness is all about. It doesn’t take long to forget the guy who cut me off in traffic. I have been known to blast my horn and offer a hand gesture or a few expletives before letting it go, but ultimately, I go about my business without giving it another thought.  How about the neighbor who calls the police every time the cat finds their garden mulch to be an attractive litter box? It’s getting a bit harder now. Then there are the families like my former acquaintance. We all have that point where we find it easier to hate than forgive, and we all hope we never have to come face to face with that spot. She did in an unimaginable way and chose forgiveness. How does that happen?

I guess we have to ponder the question, “What is forgiveness?” Is it something we have to do because of Christian ethics? Like, does it give us points on the Divine tally card? Yet, if faith is all we need, than what happens to our perceived brownie points? Are they real or something we think we need so we can feel better about our actions when we compared our lives to someone else’s? It feeds into a questionable theology that there is a maximum number of people God can love so we are chosen by some nebulous valuation. Some theologians hypothesize that our actions are not as important as our motivation behind the actions. They call it, “the intention of the heart”. If it’s true that what we do is not as important as why we do it, then what happens if I have become bitter and broken because of how I have experienced the damaging actions of someone else? Certainly I have become who I am based on how I perceive the situation and it affects what I do. But, is it who I am as I was created or who I have become because of life’s roller coaster events? Maybe, just maybe, therein is where we find the key.

If who we are is the result of our deepening faith in God, then what we do is also a direct result of that relationship. In accepting God, we begin to realize how broken we are. Isn’t it awesome to refer to it as ‘broken’ – not damaged beyond repair or, worst yet, made wrong in the first place! It means we can look at our foibles as the result of things that have happened to and around us, often because of events that we may or may not have had the ability to control. Our poor choices, the choices of others, how we see the world and how we perceive the world to see us all lead to the damage imposed on who we were created to be. When we understand that everyone is broken, just as we are, we can develop an empathy or understanding for the assaults imposed on the lives of others. This can move us to compassion for their situation and help us to realize that their “crime” against is a result of their brokenness, our brokenness or simply differences in how we see our place in the world around us. If we learn anything from the example Christ gave to us through his life, death and resurrection, it means that we are encouraged to extend grace to those who offend us. Who are they? What events have shaped and formed their lives? How does that affect their response to the people around them? Grace might even soften us enough to recognize what part, if any, we may have played in the situation, helping us to bridge the impasse between us and the other(s) so that conversation can begin.

One must also remember that forgiveness is never one sided. What happens when the other person feels as deeply hurt or as righteously right as I feel? What if they aren’t willing to meet me half way…or 25% of the way…or even budge a smidgen off of their position? Then what?

As we live a life consistent with the lessons Christ modeled for us, we find our ability to love others deepens. We realize we are all equal in God’s eyes (Galatians 3:28) and we all have sinned and fallen short of God’s intentions for us (Romans 3:28). We might even realize we are in all this together. And, when we truly believe that, we might come to that place where we place less emphasis on our own comfort and how it has been interrupted by another. In doing so, we become compassionate regarding another’s trials and tribulations. That compassion allows us to forgive. Again, it is all about love, a love that flows from us in all directions as we live as God intended for us to live. Forgiveness might be regaining a full and meaningful relationship with the person. It might also be simply letting go of anger and frustration long enough to allow the other person to walk away without my need to scream everything I want them to know about how awful they are at their back.

I still don’t understand how a mother can forgive her daughter’s killer. Although, as I continue to ponder the mystery of forgiveness, I am humbled with the reality of God’s freely given grace. That humility kicks my righteous pedestal squarely  out from under me, forcing me to be open to people and actions I just don’t understand. Then, little by little I find myself forgiving…

Some days are confusing. The conundrum seems to come when expectations and reality fail to match up or when a perception of the way things should be moves from actuality to a distant or fading dream. Maybe it comes in the form of a difficult conversation with a friend, an unexpected diagnosis, a natural disaster, or a litany of other issues that leaves one in a place that was never expected without the skills or tools to deal with the problem. We’ve all been there, deep in the black hole of, “Now what?”

I remember the first time I traveled alone. It was a 4,000-mile trip with a layover in an unfamiliar city at an equally unfamiliar airport. I like to have a general familiarity with where I am going, which took this experience completely out of my comfort zone. I find it daunting to navigate through an unknown place, even though it’s to get to a desired destination. I prepared as well as I could, but I was intimidated knowing there would be glitches that could thwart my plans.

Airports are loaded with signs. It’s like every piece of information necessary to get from point A to point B is there. A person just needs to look for information that is relevant to their search. Food court? Restroom? Gate information? Baggage claim? Ground transportation? Just look at the signs and they will guide you. And, if that isn’t enough, there are plenty of people along the way who are willing to hear a question and point in the right direction. Some might even walk with you, turning that “now what” moment into an unexpected pleasure as you chat about life, airports, and silly worries.

The airport example is an overly simplified analogy of difficult life situations, but the point couldn’t be more relevant. We all have experienced that dreaded place where life takes a turn and we are clueless about handling it. Sometimes all we can do is step out, look for signs, ask for help and keep on moving along the path toward that nebulous place we long to be.

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, “God listens.” Awesome! I love the idea that God hears my angsts, pleas, ideas, plans and requests for help. But, if I really think about it, the underlying message is that I need to let God know what’s going on down here on Earth so God can take care of things the way I think or hope they should be taken care of. I guess that also means I need to try to be unbiased, but that’s hard. Individual perspective is full of specific experiences, hopes and dreams making it a myopic view of life and how it can continue to exist without risking the result of walking into “now what”. It then seems that if I need to inform God, God also needs to hear from everyone to get a full picture of what’s happening in creation. So, whom does God really listen to? Me? Someone with greater needs than mine? Someone who is more religious than me? Someone who is more articulate or more giving or more loving? If that’s the case, what happens to my hopes, plans and dreams or my pleas for help if they are different from some else’s, particularly if that someone else is better at attracting God’s attention? Additionally, if God is listening, where is God listening from? Somewhere out there? And why is God listening?

As a child I was often told that even if I thought I got away with something horrible, God would know about it because God is everywhere and sees everything. It was a parenting technique used to keep a child from getting into trouble when adults weren’t present. It also led to the belief that God is everywhere simply to catch us being naughty or nice and keeps score on a divine tally sheet, making God rather like Santa Claus. I spent years fearing that God’s witness of my transgression would affect God’s love for me. I knew God was there and I thought I knew why. Fortunately, I was wrong. God’s presence isn’t to watch, judge and punish. It’s to whisper and guide us toward living as God created us to live – in community with others, looking for the signs that guide us as we walk together chatting about life, airports, and silly worries.

God’s presence in all things means God already knows all that we want or need to say to God, including our need to say it. That’s part one of the conversation. Part two is to listen for the gentle whisper of God within, around and through us. (Kings 19: 11-13) Maybe we need to slow down, silence our pleas, or simply letting go of our plans long enough to know that a loving God is present always and everywhere and through that love, God will help us navigate those places that make us cry out, “Now what?” And, maybe…just maybe…if we are open to listening for the gentle whisper, we will find comfort and hope as God gently guides us. God listens? Of course! Now, let us also listen to God.