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Monthly Archives: May 2014

Political correctness, tolerance and Picasso…

16 Friday May 2014

Posted by Linda in acceptance, Christianity, compassion, human nature, political correctness, relationships, spirituality, tolerance

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

acceptance, Christianity, compassion, human nature, political correctness, spirituality, Tolerance

I am sick of political correctness. I think it has more to do with the ‘political’ part of the phrase. Nor am I a fan of tolerance. It smacks of sanctimony and arrogance. It’s our human nature to place a level of righteousness on our beliefs and hold them as the proper perspective in a given the situation. To tolerate alternative ideas is to support another person’s right to think any old way they choose while maintaining my right to feel superior for having the accurate and appropriate belief. Yuck! Who wants to be around that?

Now, about political correctness. I believe there are appropriate and inappropriate behaviors that should be based on civility, manners and compassion. Most world religions have ethical and moral guidelines that let us know when we are playing ‘nice’ and when we are being tasteless and need to rethink our motivation to say or do certain things. Unfortunately, the politically correct movement seems to be generated by those who want to seem tolerant so they instruct the rest of us on what is acceptable – or not – based on their standards and find anyone who doesn’t agree to be intolerant thereby making the alleged tolerant group intolerant of those whom they deem intolerant. You get my point??? Who gets to decide what is correct and what isn’t? It seems be the opinion of the loudest voice when, indeed, there are times that person or group must be challenged.

I am not contending that certain behaviors in our culture don’t need to go away – permanently. It’s not okay to make generalizations about groups of people based on race, gender, socioeconomic level, intellectual abilities, disabilities, hair color, eye color, state they live in, country they came from, sexual preference, books they like or what side they prefer to lay on when they sleep. Not okay! But, we all pretty much know that and, for the most part, are conditioned to be…well, tolerant.

Then there are the groups that the politically correct crowd has decided are fair game for ridicule with absurd generalizations. Just try saying you are Christian, or God forbid…fundamentalist Christian. Throw in a splash of Republican slant and let the games begin. At this point you will become a woman hating, money hungry, uncompassionate, hypocritical homophobe. There are some who might be! The problem is embedded in thinking that everyone within a demographic feels, behaves and believes the same way. Further, the targeted group is judged without tolerance or giving an individual the respect to be heard.

My guess is some of you agreed with me regarding generalizations about race, gender, yada, yada, yada. But, when I got to the hot button buzzwords some polarized in one direction and others were crazed the other way. The thing is, political correctness only welcomes those groups that the politically correct movement chooses to accommodate. Those falling outside of their chosen agendas seem to be fair game to categorize and ridicule.

You also might be wondering why this rant is showing up in a blog that is traditionally focused on Christian spirituality. It’s pretty simple. Nowhere in scripture does Jesus attempt to sway anyone toward his beliefs with sarcasm or contempt for who they are or where they come from. He accepted – not tolerated – Samaritans, tax collectors, prostitutes, crazy people, women, Pharisees and an entire litany of fringe groups as he walked among us. Notice the word ‘us’? He didn’t stay away from or make fun of those people. It didn’t matter who they were! Nor did he arrogantly tolerate them. His compassion included full acceptance for the person he was talking to. It wasn’t about shaming them into thinking his way or accusing them of being less worthy of his time if they were different than him. He showed compassion for all and it was through that compassion that people grew beyond the prejudicial thoughts that bound them.

And, yes, there are fringe groups in all world religions that maintain radical beliefs that unless we look, think and believe with them, we are not worthy of God’s love. I prefer to let God make that determination, thank you very much. Again, if we believe that God loved the world and sent Christ to teach us God’s ways, then we must recognize that God loved the WORLD – not just my corner of it, or my particular group of cronies. Everyone is included in that love. Even the people we make fun of or shame or avoid because they don’t share our physical characteristics, lifestyle or beliefs.

Think of Picasso. Did you know that he not only painted, he created sculptures, ceramics, tapestries and drawings? Further, not all of his paintings are abstract. If I happen into a museum exhibiting his work, I may resonate with one piece over another, although I wouldn’t think to destroy the integrity of a painting or statue that I didn’t understand. Then, if I choose to study his life and art, I might begin to see the beauty in a piece that I previously dismissed. Maybe it will be in his use of color or in the grace or elegance depicted through the flow of lines in his subject. I might become so consumed with his works that I internalize the intimacies of his art and no longer need to look for his signature as a means to recognize the creator.

It is much like our relationship with God. It’s no coincidence that scripture begins with two equally beautiful descriptions of God’s joy in creating all that we know and exclaiming, “it is good”. I guess “good” includes cockroaches and snakes, although I’m not sure why. It also includes all those people who are different than me, as well as dogs, cats, tomatoes, trees and ponds. When I look at these things, not simply as objects around me, but rather as the art of God – the things God made – I recognize the artist’s love for each and every object in his/her collection and I learn to handle those items as if I truly believe they are good.

Ellen DeGeneres said it quite well in regard to her comedy:

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else’s expense. And I find that that’s just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else’s feelings.

Sometimes we bully to get a laugh, to make a point, to get a political vote or in a misguided attempt to elevate our own status or power. It’s never okay – not under the guise of political correctness or the equally offensive buzzword “tolerance”. It is okay to honestly and respectfully share perspectives and grow in acceptance of someone who is different than you, remembering all the while that you are indeed different to them as well.

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An open letter to my children on Mother’s Day…

11 Sunday May 2014

Posted by Linda in Christianity, compassion, meditation, Mother's Day, relationships, spirituality, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Christianity, compassion, God, Mother's Day, relationship, spirituality

imagesFirst, and most important, I love you guys. Of course I have great memories and lots of pictures of the days you were born; preschool, high school, and college graduations; birthdays; vacations; dance and music recitals; sports; proms; and all the milestones of the growing-up years. I have attempted to fill photo albums with your lives. Honestly, they are pretty tacky. That’s no surprise since we all know scrapbooking is not one of my strong suits. More recently, I’ve started making slide shows of my digital shots, although it is slow and laborious for me. No, it’s not the technology. It might surprise you that I actually have that somewhat under control. My problem is that I keep hampering my progress to savor the memories and, subsequently, hunting for a tissue.

Although we have succeeded in capturing the major moments of your lives, I hold even dearer the remarkable times that Hallmark hasn’t yet dedicated to a card campaign. I think of you, Bill, asking me where you should go to college…when you were two. “Honey, let’s get you to preschool first!” But, that was the theme of your life – always ready for the next chapter before I got past the table of contents. And, Christie, with your gentle approach to life and recognizing the need to live and let live you taught me to slow down and recognize the beauty in a situation. Two children with opposite, yet equally amazing, approaches to life.

You see, neither of you came with an owner’s manual. It’s probably a good thing! It would have scared the tar out of me to read ahead about what to do for chicken pox, ear infections, visits to the principal’s office, adolescent drivers, broken hearts and all of the crazy twists life sent your way. It was far better to experience each day for what it was and worry about the ‘stuff’ when and if something occurred.

The lack of instructions also meant I wasn’t prepared for the last bedtime story. When did that happen? I don’t even remember what book it was. When was the last time I held your hand to keep you safe in the parking lot? When did I stop sewing cute little dresses or spend the afternoon outside while you played in the sandbox and on the fort? When did you stop arguing over Happy Meals at McDonald’s or the special toy at Burger King? Or when was the last time you crawled in my lap for hugs and snuggles while we watched TV? In the thick of your growing up, some events passed right on by, unnoticed until I looked back and realized you both became adults…compassionate, honest, independent, responsible citizens…all that I could have hoped for. Yet, I am afraid I blinked several times too many, allowing you to shoot into the next stage before I knew what was really happening.

I remember shopping one day and hearing the store’s pianist playing “Sunrise, Sunset” from Fiddler on the Roof.

Is this the little girl I carried?
Is this the little boy at play?

I don’t remember growing older
When did they?

When did she get to be a beauty?
When did he grow to be so tall?

Wasn’t it yesterday
When they were small?

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears.

Yes, you guessed it. I had to leave the mall before I made a scene.

Mother’s Day is the perfect opportunity to say thank-you to you, my beautiful children. You have challenged me, stretched me, honored me, and loved me – even when I didn’t fully understand that you were the only ones who couldn’t do something that everyone else’s mothers let them do. You gave me the opportunity to discover how to function with very little sleep; to hear playful activities over the hum of the shower; how to stock my car with hand wipes, spot cleaner, kleenex, napkins, trash bags, snacks and 100 other items you may need on any given outing; and to organize schedules so everyone got to where they needed to be on time – which is no easy feat for someone who has never respected the clock.

More importantly, you taught me to care about someone’s life and well being more than my own and to love unconditionally. And, for that, I cannot tell you how thankful I am.

You see, children are indeed a gift from God. I don’t care if they are your own, nieces and nephews or the kids next door. Children challenge us to think creatively and to question why things are done the way they are. They help us to see frogs and flowers and mud puddles. They remind us that the world is a beautiful and amazing place for us to touch, taste, smell, hear and see God’s presence threaded throughout all that is. I love, even today, experiencing life through your eyes. You challenge me to rethink old notions and thoughts; to hike on muddy, rocky paths…both in reality and metaphorically; and to embrace all that life has to offer. I am deeply grateful for that, too.

So, on this day, thank-you for the flowers and the dinner. Thank you for the phone calls and the “I love you’s”. But, most of all, thank you for the memories and the assurance that we will continue to navigate this crazy thing called “life” together. 

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Marriage, Puppies, and Unconditional Love…

02 Friday May 2014

Posted by Linda in compassion, human nature, love, marriage, spirituality

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Christianity, compassion, human nature, love, marriage, Maya Angelou, relationship, spirituality

imagesRelationships can be pretty darn hard. After almost 3 decades of marriage, there are still days when I wonder what in the world my husband is thinking. Of course, even though I frequently choose not to admit it, he has similar thoughts about me. It is an interesting phenomenon to think about, particularly as the wedding-season is approaching. I mean, what do you tell young people as they look at you with starry eyes and ask the rhetorical question, “How do you make a marriage last?” The first thing I typically think is that I am being patronized because of my age. You know, ask the old queen an easy question so she can preserve whatever brainpower she has left. Then, my thoughts move to questioning the intent of the question. Is this soon-to-be young bride or groom seriously wondering about maintaining the health of their relationship or do they want reassurance that their partnership is special and immune from dissolving into frustration, arguing and potentially divorce?

There are many people I know, including my husband and myself, that have had what we now fondly refer to as our “starter marriages”. These unions began with optimism about what life should be after the I-do’s, but can’t withstand the realities that present themselves as life moves on. Some are doomed from the start simply because of unrealistic expectations. You know, things like, “It will be better when we are married,” or “I am ___ years old and it’s time for me to settle down”. Some marriages expire when one party or the other realizes they were in love with what they wanted the other person to be rather than to clearly see who they are. Still others end because our culture is not very good at making things work. There seems to be a belief that if a relationship is hard, it’s not meant to be.

Allow me to sidebar at this point. Some marriages are not meant to be! Substance and/or physical and emotional abuse are deal killers. When they occur, the relationship is over. There are some amazingly strong people who can rise beyond their behaviors and addictions with professional help. These individuals have my utmost respect.

So, what makes a marriage last? Go to any wedding shower and you will find sage advice woven into the conversation or, more obtrusively, written on cards that are presented with high hopes to the young couple. Honestly, to tell them to be open and honest at all times and to never go to bed angry sound good. But, how long do those virtues continue after the “I do’s”? “Open and honest” is well and good until the first bad haircut or the pants that actually do make one’s backside appear larger than normal. How about “open and honest” when the in-laws are coming for an extended visit? Or after making an expensive, special, time involved dinner that tastes like cardboard? How open should one actually be? Honesty is vital, but what happens when it falls in the category of being brutal?

Then we have the concept of never going to bed angry. Really? As if anything is actually accomplished in the midst of fatigue after a long, frustrating day when all one really wants to do is go to sleep? In theory, rest and sleep are better when stress is minimal, but the reality is there will be times when it takes more than a day or two to resolve some issues. That doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It simply means there is something big in the way and it will take some pondering, soul searching, introspection, prayer and, possibly, professional help to come out on the other side of it. Like the other difficulties we face in life, these times can be catalysts for growth and deepening our understanding of who we are – both as individuals and as partners.

Again, what makes a marriage last? It took some years to figure this one out. The funny thing is, it is not as complicated as we try to make it. Maya Angelou phrased it beautifully in her famous quote:

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Herein lies the key. It’s not about the money or the children. It doesn’t matter if the house is big or small or if the car is new or old. Nor does it matter if one partner or the other travels 5 days a week or works long hours. What does matter is that in the midst of life, both people feel loved, nurtured, respected, appreciated and safe. I guess that’s where open and honest fit in. Beautiful words and gestures mean nothing if they aren’t believable. But, when they are backed up by complete honesty, they are cupid’s arrow to the heart. Love begins and renews itself over and over again.

The thing is, this mantra doesn’t work only in marriage. It is important in the workforce, at school, with our children or in any other interaction we have. We avoid the people who make us feel inferior, stupid, naive, or incapable, yet we migrate toward those who encourage, praise, admire or complement our actions. We long to be acceptable and accepted.

I think that’s why I love my dog so much. It doesn’t matter what mood I am in, how unorganized or crazy I feel, if I have dressed up for the day or if I am schlunking around the house in pajamas. She offers me the gift of unconditional love. Because of that, I can forget that she gnawed on the dining room rug, (it’s been replaced), or had her way with a little used chair, (the upholsterer is coming to pick it up one of these days). What I do remember is that she is always glad to see me and share her tail wags and puppy kisses.

You see, I believe God is the same way. God will love me always – in spite of my moods, my outbursts, and every personality wart that makes me…well, ME. To know and recognize God’s unconditional love allows me to chisel away at my more negative side and let the good shine through just a little more. God’s love makes me feel a little safer, a bit calmer…and the list goes on.

So, what about marriage? What makes a marriage last? In my opinion, the cryptic answer is embedded in knowing puppies, God and the wisdom of Maya Angelou.

Maybe we should expand on the statement, “I do” and make it “I do intend to make you feel loved, nurtured, respected, appreciated and safe every day of my life and if I don’t, I am counting on you to love me unconditionally until I do again.”

That should come right before, “And I promise to always pick up my socks.”

 

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