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Category Archives: human nature

Relationships only work if…

23 Thursday Mar 2017

Posted by Linda in acceptance, Christianity, community, compassion, hate, human nature, political correctness, relationships

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Christianity, Community, compassion, human nature, life lessons, political correctness, relationships, wisdom

Relationships only work if…

The fill-in-the-blank on that one seems obvious. In reality, it is subject to many deviations from reality. Children come home from school professing to hate a former best friend because they didn’t agree on something. Group mentality prevents one faction from embracing another because of loyalties to the club, gang, team, religion or whatever chasm divides them into rivals or enemies. A spouse has expectations that aren’t met and withdraws rather than entering conversation toward understanding. Relationships…

We rant about those who think, look, speak, worship or love differently than we do, all the while circling ourselves with those who reflect our views and attitudes in a disturbing attempt to be on the right side…as if that alone gives us worth as a person. Indeed, that thought process simply causes us to diminish the perceived worth of those who do not meet our beliefs and expectations. Relationships…

We have come to a place in our society where groups pride themselves on polarization and vilifying those who don’t share their mandated common cause. I read a news article today that gave permission to hate someone who voted for a candidate the reader didn’t like. Seriously!!! Our freedom to vote for the candidate of our choice was leveled to a school yard fight. It’s the old “my way or the highway” concept of how to get along in life – a philosophy that has never worked to promote a healthy relationship.

What ever happened to listening? You know, two ears and one mouth…use them proportionately? What about listening to another’s views, beliefs and attitudes openly and honestly to understand what they think, feel and love? What about finding common ground and growing out of that commonality? What about recognizing that life experiences lead all of us in different directions and to different understandings? And, what about sharing our collective wisdoms to find solutions that are cooperative and greater than any one perspective could ever produce? Relationships!!!

Instead, we tend to dig in our heels and deny that any mindset other than the one we share with our cronies has validity. We jump into conflict and believe resolution will come only when we get our way. And, we believe this at all cost. Friends, it is where we are at in our country, our neighborhoods, our families, our churches, our offices, our schools… We have become the Polarized States of America. Unity is gone and we believe it won’t return until  everyone else buys into our narrow-minded rhetoric. Be very clear, it is all narrow minded rhetoric when it becomes a rabidly held belief, no matter how liberal or conservative the motives are.

Our demise will come from our inability to listen…to understand…to believe in the good of someone who disagrees with us…to respect differing opinions. All we really need to do is listen and understand that our own hot air professions aren’t the only game in town. Finally, the goal shouldn’t be about who wins and who loses…the goal should be about how we nurture relationships.

And, relationships only work if…

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”   – Maya Angelou

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On coffee shops and listening skills…

23 Tuesday Aug 2016

Posted by Linda in community, compassion, human nature, life lessons, polarization, relationships

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Community, compassion, human nature, relationship

imagesIt was the typical, “May I take your order?” Sure! I ordered three beverages – one for Don, one for myself, and one for Lucy the Puppy-girl. The summer weather finally gave us a reprieve from the heat and we took the opportunity to walk to our local coffee shop. Lucy loves to drink her water out of the plastic ‘grande’ cup. No ice please, and save the lid for someone else. Really, she doesn’t care. By the way, we haven’t been able to teach her the finer points of using a straw. It’s something about the oral musculature of a mature canine that makes the straw an impossibility. You can save the straw for someone else, too.

The barista smiled at me, thanked me for my order, which, by the way, included directions for Lucy’s plain cup of water and a request for ‘room’ in my iced coffee. Coffee without cream is like bread without butter. It’s okay, but it definitely falls short of being that spectacular blend of great taste and complete personal comfort. You know, that ‘ahhhhh’ moment when the first taste passes you lips. I am a Minnesota girl. Believe me, cream and butter make our Scandinavian hearts happy!

One of our beverages was completed as requested. One out of three. One. Only one.

Now, the caveat here is that the coffee shop was not crowded. I was the only one in line to order. Another customer was waiting for a beverage and the drive through line was virtually nonexistent.

Only one of our beverages was completed as requested!

This in and of itself is not a big deal. Through conversation we eventually reached a place where I received the drinks I ordered and life went on.

The thing is, only one out of three – and I might add, three simple drinks – was initially prepared correctly. This had nothing to do with the skill of the barista. It had everything to do with the ability to listen. Listening is becoming a lost art.

Take the evening news, for example. Conflict is main topic. How often do you see someone yelling to be heard about something? How often do we hear about this side or that side or some side that disagrees with something someone else says or does? It’s rampant! Whether it’s about racial relations; political agendas; a neighborhood riff; changes in educational structures, boundaries or agendas; or a myriad of other person-to-person conflicts, the method of dealing with it is to cling to one’s own perspective while devaluing the beliefs, thoughts, or rights of another.

Sometimes, in the midst of conversation or conflict, we don’t even know what the other perspective is simply because we refuse to listen.

Cell phones and ear buds connect us to the world, yet we tend to spend our time listening to things that we already agree with. Is this really listening? Or are we simply reinforcing what we already believe?

Facebook posts and memes are often followed by visceral, angry comments from those who disagree and feel free to hit out words on a keyboard that let the person who offended our sensibilities know how naive, silly, uneducated or just plain stupid they are. Yet, did we actually read with the desire to understand a view point different than our own? Or was the intention to prove how right we are at another’s expense?

Who we are and what we think come from a lifetime of experiences. Some folks allow those situations to become a wall around their understanding that brick by brick…thought by thought…constructs a limited perspective of indignant self-righteousness. We have all been around those who refuse to listen objectively to concepts that are not familiar to them. They become closed minded, encapsulated in an understanding of the world that belongs only to them and those who agree with them.

The thing is, we live in a huge, messy community of people who have even bigger and messier life experiences to draw on. Those big, messy experiences lead to understandings about life that are as different as the colors in a jumbo box of Crayola’s. Any child knows that weaving those colors together in and around a design or picture can lead to something better than any individual color offers by itself. Yet, the colors have to work together in harmony or they will become a dissonant hodgepodge.

Life is like those colors. We all have something to offer. Our beauty as a society is dependent on weaving our diverse ideas, beliefs and perspectives into a tapestry that represents the diversified hopes of all who walk this crazy path called, ‘life’.

To do this, we need to listen. Maybe it starts with a coffee shop barista learning to look a weary customer in the eye and hear the words that make up a simple order. Maybe it’s a conversation between friends about political beliefs that are diametrically opposed, but each one is intent on understanding the other and how they came to believe what they know to be true. Maybe it’s a journalist who attempts to capture both sides of a emotionally charged story. Maybe it’s simply letting our ego’s take a break long enough to realize that someone else has a perspective that we must consider.

Maybe…maybe…maybe, it’s about listening quietly and intently. Listening as if there is nothing else we need in the moment except to understand the voice of another.

 

 

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Surprise in a prayer…

19 Tuesday Jul 2016

Posted by Linda in acceptance, choices, Christianity, community, compassion, human nature, judgment

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Christianity, compassion, human nature, spirituality

Mike offered to start the class in prayer. It was the standard variety giving thanks and asking for guidance as we began our discussion. Then he said something that caught me completely by surprise. His words were, “Give us questions to our answers.”

Think about it a minute. We all find ourselves engulfed in moments when we want to pummel God with a bazillion questions blasting The Divine for our grief, frustration, depression, anguish, loneliness…well, the list is endless. And, we want answers! Life isn’t fair and we tend to point out to God just how unreasonable our circumstances are.

Yet, what if we actually found embedded in our discontent a litany of questions designed to shake us out of our arbitrary assuredness of what life should be? What if, like Job, we faced a series of questions designed to let us know that God loves us so much that in spite of our rhetoric, God continues to nudge us toward becoming all that God created us to be? What if those questions shifted our understanding from self-magnification to that of what it means to live in God’s world as a single part of the fullness of God’s creation? And…what if we lived as if that mattered?

Questions to our answers.

We can become complacent in our understanding of right behavior based on doctrines and dogmas. We have answers for what we believe and in whom we believe in an attempt to justify why we do what we do…sometimes to the point of rationalizing horrible behavior. I read this morning about a family…and I use the word loosely…in Pakistan who strangled and burned an 18 year old daughter and sister because she eloped with the man she loved, a man who was not accepted by the people who shared her DNA. “Family honor” had to be restored. What??? And this is somehow based on religious precepts?

Most world religions have a base of compassion. Radical interpretations of sacred texts can result in factions that pull away from the concept of getting along with each other. Even in Christianity we have crazy people who think it is somehow acceptable to preach hate and violence. And for what??? To preserve an answer??? To keep thinking that we are right and the rest of the world is wrong??? To give us exclusive membership to the Righteous Club???

What if we put our rhetorical answers to a simple test? Are we clinging to a concept that belittles another or a group of others? Does our ‘answer’ give us justification for verbal or physical abuse of another? Do we hide behind our perceived notions of religion to exclude those who share different beliefs? Do we take time to listen and understand those who see life in a way that is unfamiliar to us?

Questions to our answers.

We must be comfortable questioning, questioning and questioning again what compassion looks in each and every situation we find ourselves in to limit the extreme division and polarization plaguing our culture  One day it may simply be holding the door at Target for that mom struggling to corral 3 small children. Another day it may be joining a conversation with someone who is struggling with the trials of life. Hopefully there will also be a day when compassion pulls us to the other side of the city; to the other side of the aisle; to the other place of worship; to the other perspective on life long enough to question our answers and realize that others also have answers that may be contrary to our own. Then, we must pray that we can find answers to our questions that are formed out of and through our conversations and the resulting realization that our previous answers may be painfully wrong. Maybe then we can form new answers that are broader and less exclusive. Maybe then we can live harmony where compassion constantly and consistently  leads us to question our answers, allowing us to find that sweet spot of loving our neighbor as we love ourselves.

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We-uns and you-uns…

31 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by Linda in acceptance, Christianity, compassion, Easter, human nature, life lessons, polarization, relationships, spirituality

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Christianity, compassion, human nature, spirituality

imagesWe-uns and you-uns. Us and them. Republicans and democrats. My neighborhood, school or church and your neighborhood, school or church. Christian or Muslim or athiest or Jewish. American citizen or immigrant. Male or female. Haves and have-nots. Baptist or Episcopal. Liberal or conservative. Straight or gay. Black or white.

Whatever group is identified lets us know where we belong and where we do not. We have successfully developed a world seeped in separation. You are either part of ‘us’ or you are one of ‘them’. When you get right down to it, we either don’t really like ‘them’, or, even worse, they are simply invisible to us. It is easier and gentler on our egos to cling to those whom we know, the groups where we understand the rules or those who accept us with all of our foibles and warts. Oh, it gets worse. Our human nature causes us to inappropriately elevate our group above the others making us and ours special and right. The others are simply naive, wrong, stupid, silly or naive. We have come to a point where we neglect to respect the fact that life experiences lead us to different places and understandings, ultimately internalizing the bogus opinion that we cannot possibly learn from or learn to love others who are ‘not like us’.

We-uns and you-uns. The underlying implication is that if you aren’t part of us, you are one of them and they aren’t worthy of our time.

You disagree with me? Think about it. We are caught up in recent worldwide bombings. Our media tends to focus on how many Americans are killed. It’s as if those are the only lives that matter. Tell that to the Pakistani families who are engulfed in sorrow or the Belgium survivors who are preparing to bury a loved one. Us and them…

Polarizations constantly challenge us. Who do we socialize with? What parts of town do we visit? Where do we spend our time? How well do we understand the perspectives of others that are not familiar to us? How much time do we spend talking through problems with the very real understanding that our view point is not the only viable alternative. Do we cling to our degrees and positions so mightily that we forget someone outside of our group could have insights that will make a difference? Whom do we listen to? Whom do we shun?

The very real problem is when we surround ourselves with similarly thinking others, we can become locked into a uniform perspective that tends be narrow and prejudicial. We begin to think that all people who are part of another group think, act, talk, dress and eat the same. They like the same things, make the same mistakes and listen to the same music. We forget that the ‘others’ are like us with unique skills, insights and ways of looking at life. Instead, we pigeon hole them into categories based on something other than what we actually know about them as a person, most likely because we never took the time to actually know them as a person.

We recently celebrated Easter. Families dressed up in pastel dresses and seersucker suits, enjoyed brunches, planned egg hunts, and slowed down enough to celebrate this Christian holy day. Some even took time out of their holiday events to spend time in worship. It’s as if we have forgotten who and what we are dedicating this day to. Is it the life, death and resurrection of Jesus?  And…knowing that how we live our lives is the greatest thing we can do to honor him? Or is it a chance to kiss winter good-bye with thoughts of bunnies, flowers and spring clothes?

Jesus was the great equalizer. He didn’t care if you were a Samaritan, a woman, a tax collector, a child, a Roman soldier or an invalid. He didn’t cling to his merry band of 12 and make jokes about those who weren’t part of his ‘in’ crowd. Instead, he spoke with whomever he came in contact with…not shunning, not judging…rather listening and accepting.

He didn’t know the difference between ‘us’ and ‘them’.

I am cynical. I listen to ‘good Christians’ bash those whom they have decided are not worthy. Jesus never did this. I see educated people slam others for their ideas, stating that ‘the other’ doesn’t know what they are talking about. Jesus didn’t do this. Our media pounces on differences, inciting people to pick sides and hate those who are part of the opposition. Nope…not Jesus. We can verbalize what he taught, pontificate on how he lived his life and theologize the depth of his love and compassion. Yet, when we observe the actions of those around us… and, if we are honest, of ourselves…it’s easy to question who or what we actually memorialize on Easter.

I wonder how many more Easters we will need to celebrate before we realize that it’s not about we-uns and you-uns. The real message asks us to ponder who we think we are in God’s world and how we will show love and respect for all who occupy it.

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What are you waiting for…

22 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by Linda in Advent, Christmas, compassion, God, human nature, judgment, polarization, relationships, Responsibility, spirituality

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Christianity, spirituality

UnknownThis week wraps up Advent, the liturgical season of waiting and preparation. Theology tells us we are waiting, as our ancient brothers and sisters did, for Emmanuel – the Hebrew word for “God is with us.” We, as they did, wait for God to come again as a powerful leader who will let us live our lives in peace, harmony, utopian perfection and all those things beauty queens talk about in their final interviews.  No doubt, we will be just as disappointed as they were when they finally came face to face with Jesus, the long awaited for king who was to take away all of their troubles and disappointments; who was to slay the enemy; and who was to make life in the land of milk and honey a reality. You see, we, too, have created our idea of the perfect savior and he…or she…most likely looks nothing like the model of compassion seen in the person of Jesus.

The question is, what exactly is it that we are waiting for? Is it that we long for time with God? You know, like the conversation starter, “If you could have dinner with anyone living or not living, who would it be?” I mean, who doesn’t have a list of questions for God all the way from the trivial to an explanation for the deeply painful events of life…things like why young mothers have to die or why hate is so prevalent in our world.

Or, are we stoically waiting for a time when we can live exactly as we think life should be. Maybe we long to be out of poverty; or we yearn for healing in a fractured relationship, for a child, health for an aging parent, or peace around the holiday table. Maybe we want the security of reassurance, as we fear for a loved one who is depressed; addicted to drugs and/or alcohol; or who is deployed to places we neither know nor understand. We might even be filled with anger at entire groups of people who don’t think, believe or live the way we do and we wait for our version of justice and wrath to change them so they see the world as we do without ever really understanding who they are.

We become absorbed with our ideas of what changes we would like to see in our world without considering that the next guy has similar thoughts. Often, we don’t even know the other guy…or gal. We just suppose they must be like everyone else who looks and acts and dresses the way they do. We vilify ethnicities, socioeconomic groups, genders, professions, bosses, politicians, neighbors, family members and anyone we can lump into a group of people that we perceive as different than us and the group we identify with.

And, we wait for God to let them know they are wrong and we are right. I mean, the world would definitely be a better place if only…right? And…we wait for Emmanuel to take care of our lives, our stresses, our frustrations and our anger.

There are those of us of a ‘certain age’ who remember the screech of a needle scratching across a record when someone quickly and recklessly wants the music to cease. It’s that sound of “stop” that should be playing in your head as you ponder these musings defining what we might be waiting for. Our wait should not be passive as if we are waiting for something outside of our control. Nor should our wait be narcissistically focused on self-interests and desires no matter how noble they may seem to be to our selves or those around us.

Rather, the question, “what are we waiting for” should be a call to action. What are we waiting for? Why don’t we cross cultural and ethnic barriers to learn about our neighbors? Why don’t we listen in conversation, a skill that can only guide us toward understanding, compromise and breaking down barriers? Why is our main action to point at another to magnify the splinter in their eye when we are suffering from a log in our own? (Matt. 7:3) What exactly is it that we are waiting for? Since the beginning of time we have been guided by God toward a better way, God’s way. Some call the place where God is in control heaven and they wait for the kingdom of heaven to simply happen. Jesus said, “The kingdom of heaven is among you.” (Luke 17:21) Was he talking about his presence with humanity? About God’s presence with us always and everywhere? Or was it a call to us to consider how we might be instrumental in bringing this crazy thing called heaven into a broken, hurting world?

Maybe it’s all of the above. Why are we waiting for God, in the form of Jesus, to come into the world again at some nebulous point when all we have to do is look around us to see God’s constant joyful, playful, and beautiful presence, laughing, weeping and beaconing us to walk with him…or her…as we navigate this complex thing called life?  And, once we see God’s presence…once we believe that God came to us in the form of Jesus, and again in the form of the Holy Spirit…once we truly believe that God constantly and consistently calls us as his very own sons and daughters to live as only she could create us to live, then – and only then will we understand the answer to the question, “what are we waiting for?” We must not wait! It is time to come together, not to belittle, berate or judge some other person; nor to act out of arrogance, entitlement or exclusivity. It is time to love God more than anything imaginable and, out of that immense love, it is time to compassionately engage in all of God’s creation so much that we have no possible choice other than to nurture all that God so masterfully and beautifully put together on this humble little planet.

We have been created and empowered by God and taught through the example Jesus set before us how to be light in the world. As the Christmas story unfolds, we see kings and shepherds; men and women; rich and poor; powerful and oppressed all come together, united and awed by the presence of God. If they could do it, what are we waiting for?

 

 

 

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Sense and Non-sense…

28 Sunday Jun 2015

Posted by Linda in acceptance, Christianity, human nature, judgment, political correctness

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acceptance, choices, Christianity, compassion

The world is changing. Nothing new there! This has been the lament of many, the inspiration for others…the plea, the angst, the hope, the frustration, and the divide among generations; races; genders; countries; religions; neighbors; brothers and sisters; spouses and…well…change can cause conflict wherever 2 or more are gathered…

Wait! Isn’t that supposed to be a statement of unity and love? Matthew 18:20 states:

For wherever 2 or 3 are gathered in my name, I am there among them.

Of course, theological scholars will say this was meant for the church. You know, for those times when turmoil surrounding rules and laws cause people to argue and fuss about what should be done…or forgotten…or forgiven. Everybody has an opinion! So often those assumptions are based on personal interests, individualized worldviews and self-centered desires. Sometimes our opinions change and evolve when we dare to remember who we are and Whose we are, a practice that involves stepping outside of ‘self’ and into understanding we are part of something huge and amazing; something we can’t fully understand; something bigger and better than me or mine or the small perspective of an isolated group of people that I might be part of.

Peter, Paul and Mary sang about it in The Wedding Song, taking the appropriate liberty to swap the word “love” for the phrase “I am there among them.” After all, God is the author of love, thus streamlining the phrase into one word still says it all. God is with us when ever we are with others. I guess that means God is there when we meet in worship; when we go to the mall; when we drink wine with the neighbors; when we argue with our spouse; when we walk past the homeless; when we scream horrible things at people who love someone we wouldn’t choose for them; when we make despicable assumptions based on race or religion; and when we simply choose not to share our time, talents and resources with someone in need. God is there, always and everywhere. Sometimes God smiles and, most surely, sometimes God weeps as she attempts to get the attention of our heart by peeling back our selfish, limited vision of what it means to live in her perfectly created world.

The problem is, we don’t allow love to show up in so many of our interactions. We cling to prejudice; political stances; the ceaseless yearning to be right; and world views that exclude those who are different, even though to them we are the ones who are different. We migrate towards people who share our limited thoughts and we talk about others who are not like us. Sometimes we laugh about their shortcomings, as if the log is in their eye and not ours. (Matthew 7:3-5)

This brings us back to change. In recent weeks we have had reports of riots over racial issues; protests and celebrations over Supreme Court rulings; supposed religious groups randomly killing innocent people; political rhetoric aimed at polarizing groups of people; and the list goes on. In each instance, one groups clings to a viewpoint that isolates another group. Rarely do we hear about honest conversations between individuals with the sole intention of understanding rather than condemning or persuading.

I stepped in the proverbial ‘pooh’ this week by entering a conversation that has polarized women for years. The odd thing is, perspectives are so opposed that finding enough middle ground to begin a necessary discussion is almost impossible. We know we must try, but how do we calm our own perspectives long enough to hear thoughts that are difficult for us to embrace without hurling our “log” at another person? How do we peel the differences between us away long enough to hear and to see the potential beauty in life’s inevitable diversity…and change?

You see, what makes sense to one can be utter nonsense to another. What we accept as sensible is the composite of our education, news feeds, social interactions, region, country, heritage, family values, religion, conversations, and life experiences that churn together until we are able to rationalize any and all of our behaviors so completely that we forget the One who created us also created the one who makes no sense to us…the one we snub, or isolate…the one who is different than society’s norm…the one who thinks differently…worships differently…loves differently…

“Wherever two or three are gathered together, I am there with them.”

Oh that we would remember that! Wherever…whenever…however…as two or three or five hundred or thousands of us gather, let us humble ourselves long enough to feel God’s presence. Then, may our interactions with others be energized by love for God, neighbor and self rather than by our limited sense and combined non-sense.

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A rant on politics and truisms…

22 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by Linda in acceptance, choices, compassion, hate, human nature, judgment, political correctness

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choices, Christianity, Community, compassion, God, judgment

Writing-Clip-ArtIt doesn’t take much to make me crazy – particularly when I hear or read something that attempts to make absurd generalizations truisms. You know truisms, those statements that seem to be obviously true or things that we have heard so often that we accept them as truth without consideration for the source, the scientific quality of the claim, or the motivation of the speaker.

We are on the cusp of yet another election year. Doesn’t it seem that every year has become an election year? Just when we rid our media of hate filled political campaign rhetoric plagued with alleged truisms about the other candidate, we enter another round of ugly, despicable claims. Unfortunately, it seems that the more something is said and publicized, the more it becomes true in the minds of the public. Truisms abound…some that are not actually true.

It doesn’t matter on what side of the hypothetical aisle someone leans, there are plenty of not-so-truisms to support their agenda. I guess we believe what we want to believe then find truisms to garner support for our cause.

The problem with so many of our truisms is that they point out the flaws of the other guy, or gal, without making substantial claims based on science, economics, history, compassion and all those things we are supposed to learn during our growing up years. They simply show up again and again and again until we think they are…well…true, even when they are not.

Some ‘truths’ are the result of a sound bite taken out of context to prove how misguided someone is, followed by the process of repeat, repeat, repeat until that person’s media created character takes on a life of its own with very little representation of their actual statement, intent or beliefs. Yet, we find it okay because our agenda is supported and we can claim to be knowledgeable because we have proof in the form of a truism.

What ever happened to coming together and talking about an issue? Why don’t we take the time to meet and know the other person, you know – someone who isn’t like us or part of our club…whatever our club happens to be whether it is a neighborhood, religious affiliation, work setting, baseball team; where we shop, do business, or buy laundry soap; or if we resonate toward the affections of a dog or a cat? Why do we think we understand all we need to know about “the other” simply because of some  annoying generalizations that somehow become truisms…truisms that seem to allow us the right to judge anyone and anything that doesn’t agree with us…truisms that divide rather than unify…truisms that are used to justify horrible behaviors…truisms that corrupt our understanding of what it means to be a member of God’s amazing creation…truisms that have nothing to do with loving our neighbor, let alone loving God. Doe Zantamata said it well:

It’s easy to judge. It’s more difficult to understand. Understanding requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to believe that good hearts sometimes choose poor methods. Through judging, we separate. Through understanding we grow.

It’s time for growth.

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On becoming a grown up…

02 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by Linda in Christianity, human nature

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adulthood, God, Hope, human nature, wisdom

It started with an essay question: “When did you first realize you have become a grown-up?”

Then came the Facebook message: “Happy Birthday! Hard to believe we are entering another decade…how is that possible?”

The “…” part of the message alluded to memories of little girls playing dress-ups or Barbie dolls; birthday parties with paper favors and pink party dresses; and neighborhood moms who knew when to offer a popsicle or a chocolate chip cookie. The children in those recollections were us – daughters from the 1950’s. Somehow we had become older than many of our grandparents were when we huddled with them around a single black and white television to watch June Clever vacuum in her dress and pearls and Ozzie and Harriet ponder the responsibility of rearing two rowdy boys.

I looked through my Facebook page. High school friends smiled at me from profile photos – pictures that looked more like our parents than the yearbook shots that showed up on our nametags at class reunions. Seemingly, we were grown up. Ask any of our children or – gasp – grandchildren. They will certainly tell you we are old! However, the question remains – “When did you first realize you had become a grown-up?” The befuddling answer is, “I don’t know…”

Was it high school graduation? College graduation? Marriage? First house? Children?

My daughter plastered herself against a glass door and sobbed when I took her to kindergarten. She was sure she did not want to be there – at least she wanted me to think that she needed to be with me. Day after day we went through the same routine. Her teacher, a kindergarten expert, told me how to respond to her when she clung to me, begging me to stay. The fact that she wanted me to stay was the good news! It indicated her desire was to be at school, just not without me. I was told to peel her off of my leg, tell her I would return for her after school and simply walk out of the door without looking back. How do you ignore your screaming child? How do you not look back? Her sobs became my broken heart. I stoically walked away. If she saw my tears, she would know I shared her preoccupation with our impending separation.

Her five-year-old understanding wouldn’t allow her to know the depth of my emotion. She wanted her mommy – plain and simple. My mind filled with memories of those intimate moments between a mother and child when all that mattered was cradling her in my arms while gently rocking her into peace and calm. Mothers know the look on their baby’s face when anxiety morphs into serenity, when sleep absorbs chaos simply because Mommy is there. There is no stress, no frustration – just peace and trust. Now, I was walking away from her when she knew only one thought – she needed me. The experts tell us that we must allow our children to feel emotional pain, to learn how to self-sooth. Life is not perfect and our job is to guide our children through their many life traumas so they learn coping skills for the next and the next and the next complicated moment. I thought the experts were crazy.

We lived through the kindergarten anxieties. Her teacher assured me she was fine within five minutes of my leaving. She played with the other children, learned the suggested curriculum and was considered a successful first grade candidate. I was proud of her accomplishments, although I longed for the lost tender moments we shared when I could hold her in my arms – the ones that changed so poignantly with her growth and development.

I certainly could have used some of her kicking and screaming when we dropped her off at college. Her final hug was filled with eager anticipation as she looked forward to an exciting new life as a co-ed. She dutifully hugged her father and I, displaying a smile that assured me she could conquer anything life presented to her. I was the one who wanted to plaster myself against the glass door of her dormitory building and cry out for her to come back to me. Instead, she strolled down the long corridor to her new room, new friends and new life. Didn’t she know how much I needed her? It was surreal to appreciate how much our roles had changed. Alas, once again the experts suggested that I bury my own needs and let her fly as she is intended to fly – to become the woman that God created her to be. I continued to question the quality of the experts’ advice. Was she ready? I knew in my heart she was. The real question was about me. Was I ready?

Maybe I was a grown up at that moment, although don’t think so. In my world “grown-ups” were those who had reached their place in life – people who were done being shaped and formed into a better understanding of life as we know it; those who had reached their potential. Letting my daughter go as she entered kindergarten, college and all the milestones in between prepared me to let go one more time as she pursued a career choice that would literally take her around the world. And, in like manner, I understood that each life experience prepared me for the unknown hovering in the future. My Facebook friends and I had more nuggets of experience in our chains of life than sweet June Cleaver had pearls in her cleaning day necklace. We have lived through times when our worst moments ultimately led to our finest hours. Likewise, we still have difficult times when we question all that is right and true and good. If we are wise, we recognize the continual process of renewal and the opportunity to grow closer to our own true essence, the one God created into us. Our job is to be open to the opportunities life presents, and sometimes bombards us with, so that we never become stagnant.

Grown up? Maybe.

Finished? Completed? Thank God for the courage to embrace life with all of its joys and hurts; its longed for as well as its dreaded changes; and the resulting wisdom that comes from the experience of living so that the only honest answer to those questions is a single word: “Nope…”

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The happiness factor and Lucille van Pelt…

08 Monday Sep 2014

Posted by Linda in choices, Christianity, compassion, human nature, love, relationships, Uncategorized

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choices, Community, compassion, happiness, human nature, love, Lucy, neighbor, relationship, Snoopy

We all try to find it. For some, it’s illusive. Happiness can seem to be about just a bit more money; one more designer bag; a bigger house; improved health; weight loss; a more perfect relationship; the next promotion; a desired job; a higher degree; living in the right neighborhood; less worries; and the list goes on. Each of us has a litany of what happiness is supposed to be.

The thing is, we have to look at what happiness actually is, not as some abstract concept defined by personal expectations of what life should offer.

I remember a conversation I was involved in several years ago. A group of mothers were asked what they wanted for their children’s lives. “Happiness” seemed to be the standard answer. However, when they were asked to define happiness, the conversation changed from one of confidence in their hopes for the future to conflicting descriptions of what it means to be happy. We all want happiness for those we love. The perception of that means takes on a variety of definitions.

Lucille van Pelt can teach us something amazing about happiness. You may know her simply as “Lucy”, the bitchy little girl who torments Charlie Brown, Linus and all the other Charles Schultz characters in the Peanut’s series. Lucy spends the majority of her time feeling put upon by the idiocy of the children who surround her in her family and her neighborhood. She gives demoralizing advice as a pseudo-psychiatrist, hoping to receive 5¢ per insult. She seems arrogant, callous and insensitive to anyone or anything who doesn’t buy into her brand of life. Yet, she is devastated when she is criticized for her poor behavior. People just don’t understand Lucy. Or, maybe we simply understand her too much…

You see, Lucy longs for life to be exactly as she wants it. The people around her are to behave according to her desires and she is supposed to have whatever she wants – whether it is approval, love or possessions. She shuns Snoopy, the dog, who fervently tries to kiss her and gain her affection, but is enamored with Schroeder, the piano player who barely knows she exists. Lucy isn’t interested in something or someone who cares about her. She is only interested in conquering what she does not have and what seems to be out of her grasp.

Yet, one day Lucy is found holding Snoopy in her arms. Can you feel it? The comic strip shows her arms are wrapped around that which finds her irresistible. If you read between the lines, you can resonate with her as she closes her eyes and smells the warmth and love emanating from Snoopy’s little body. Can you feel how soft his fur is beneath her fingers? Does your heart beat in agreement with hers as she gently whispers, “Happiness is a warm puppy.” In that instant Lucy learned that puppy kisses and devotion can take her to a place of complete harmony in a complex and often chaotic life, slowing time long enough for her to let go of her longing for a perfect future and actually see that all she ever wanted or needed was right in front of her. Happiness…

The Greek philosopher Aristotle said, “Happiness is the meaning and purpose of life, the aim and end of human existence.” Where do you find your meaning and purpose? What is the aim and the end of human existence? How one defines these things will determine how one finds happiness.

I know what I am about to say isn’t politically correct. And, I also know that there are sometimes when emotional issues are the result of physiological imbalances. Yet, I maintain that many of our societal problems are the result of self-centered attempts toward happiness, like Lucy’s, without considering that our happiness cannot exist in a family, community or nation that is filled with people who are also obsessed with their own personal happiness. As long as we look for self-fulfillment separate from compassion for the growth and wellbeing of others we are doomed to depression, obesity, anger, hostility, frustration, stress and a litany of other problems linked to happiness gone wrong. Abundance surrounds us, yet it is rarely enough because someone, somewhere has more. We strive for the elusive more, more and even MORE believing that we are entitled to happiness on our own terms and anyone or anything that thwarts our plans is wrong. Rarely do we see that warm puppy sitting there, waiting patiently for us to realize that we have all that we need…right in front of us.

God gave us some directives about happiness in the 10 Commandments. You know them: Love God; don’t try to create other Gods or false stories about God; take time for rest; don’t lie, steal, betray those who love you, murder, or long for something that isn’t yours. Jesus clarified the list when he said, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.” (Luke 10:27)

The hard part is in recognizing what loving God and neighbor looks like. The quick answer is to look at what motivates us. Jesus had a way of answering complicated questions with direct answers. (Matthew 6:21)

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Where is your treasure? Is it in loving God? Loving your neighbor? Social climbing? Wealth? Climbing ahead? Hugging warm puppies? Caring for and nurturing the ones around us? When we know what our treasure looks like, we cannot help but make all of our decisions within the framework of what our treasure means to us. If love, caring and compassion for our neighbor is our treasure, we will live as God intended for us to live. If gratitude for all that is right in front of us is part of our treasure, we will not feel entitled to something we don’t have. If we live out of jealousy, thinking that “things will be better when I have [fill in the blank]”, then happiness will be elusive and lead to living life less fully than we were created to live.

All I know for sure is warm puppy hugs can calm the chaos of striving long enough to contemplate the true source of happiness.

 

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A young man, a police officer and human nature…

20 Wednesday Aug 2014

Posted by Linda in acceptance, choices, compassion, Ferguson MO, human nature, relationships, Responsibility

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acceptance, choices, Community, compassion, Ferguson MO, Hope, human nature, relationship, responsibility

Recent events in a suburb of St Louis have monopolized the news. A young black man was shot by a white police officer. That’s about all we know of the situation. Various opinions have been offered by the media as to what actually happened. Yet, at this point the investigation continues and the general public is not privy to facts…only speculations surrounding the entire event.

The president spoke about restoring calm in the community. Sheriffs and now the National Guard have replaced local law enforcement. There is a national controversy about police departments, how they maintain the public trust, what equipment they should or should not use in explosive situations, and how they respond to groups of people identified by categories such as “minorities”, “impoverished”, “uneducated” and a litany of titles used to pit ethnicity against ethnicity, socioeconomic level against socioeconomic level, and community against community.

I am not a young, black male. I am a woman of a certain age who happens to be Caucasian. I know nothing of the day-to-day life, joys, frustrations, hopes, dreams, or lack of hopes and dreams that can come from growing up in a difficult urban setting. In kind, most young, black males know nothing about people who look like me. Yet, our human nature tries to make some crazy, twisted sense out of seriously misguided attempts to categorize groups of people by what they look like and where they come from when indeed the only means to know someone is to listen to their story with the intention of appreciating what they know about life based on where they come from and what they have been through. This is not to say we must condone every action with some Freudian rationale that the events of life forced the person to act as they did and therefore they are no longer responsible for what they do. Rather it is to understand that all of our behaviors are the product of what we believe life to be. That does not minimize the fact that we are always personally responsible for the choices we make – even when life does not seem fair.

Over the past generations, people who look like me have come through discrimination in academics and professions like medicine and law; religious roles and ordination; equality of wages; and business advancement opportunities. We have experienced cutthroat tactics from those who ”made it” and joined the rank and file of the “good old boys club” rather than mentoring those who came behind them. Some expected my generation of women to be submissive or subservient to men. I recall the question a fellow seminary student asked during a classroom discussion on women in ministry. “Why a woman would ever want to be a pastor?” He went on to question why women couldn’t simply find their fulfillment in being a wife and mother. The year was 2004. The young man asking the question was African-American.

You see, the discrimination against women wasn’t simply the result of a white, male dominated society. One must note many women held similar beliefs of who we were expected to be. It took radical thinking people of both genders and a variety of backgrounds and races to change the thought controlling paradigm which kept women and girls from using all of their gifts and talents to enrich the world we all live in. And, it took time to move all of us from a place where we accepted a dated archetype – even if we didn’t like it – to a place where we were respected for our abilities. We had to enter unknown places, boldly and with respect for those who were attempting to navigate the same uncharted territory with us. Mistakes were made, however underlying everything was the knowledge that we all have something to offer society that cannot and should not be squelched because we happened to be born female.

I remember asking the young man why he wanted to go into ministry, suggesting that his motivation and mine were very similar. Our differences in appearance could act as a barrier to understanding each other or our similar beliefs and perspectives on ministry could form a bridge to navigate who we are and whose we are in God’s world.

That brings us back to the young man, the police officer and a media frenzy. Certainly what happened in Ferguson, MO was not isolated. Reports of police brutality are plenty, not only among young black men, but also among people of every ethnicity. So are stories of law enforcement officers, caring and compassionate men and women, who put their lives on the line everyday to protect and serve. It’s not only African-American families who need to teach their young how to respond when confronted by an officer. We must all teach our children respect for authority as well as how to diffuse a situation that is moving out of control. Even bigger is the need to teach our children not to pigeonhole another into ethnic, socioeconomic, political, religious, or sexual orientation categories complete with characteristics that all people within a certain demographic must have.

Women had a difficult task as we moved forward toward gender equality. I am convinced that part of our ability to change the perception of what our roles should be was because of family life. No, I am not going down the path of who’s a good father and who isn’t. Nor am I going to focus on what makes a “good family”. Those are not my issues to judge. I am saying that at the end of the day, whether it was the suffragette protesters demanding the right to vote or the corporate executive trying to break through the glass ceiling, women went home. And, in that home they interacted with fathers, spouses, sons, uncles, brothers, and male neighbors.  In work and at school they spoke with counterparts who were men. Every step of the way, women had opportunity to talk and to be heard about life as it was compared to life as it should be. These conversations impacted attitudes on so many levels! Men began to question whether or not they would want their daughters, wives, sisters or mothers treated as second class citizens. Conversations from the dinner table, the family reunion, the conference room, the classroom and the bedroom slowly changed a woman’s role in America so that opportunities for girls and women began to resemble the opportunities available to boys and men.

Unfortunately, the task is even more difficult as our nation attempts to bridge racial divides. Many homes and communities remain homogenous. Our human nature elicits a sense of comfort and acceptance when we spend time with people who look and think the way we do. Social media and news publications generate information that pits liberals against conservatives; affluent communities against impoverished communities; race against race when indeed these sources spew conflict as a means to sell something for a profit and not to actually inform the reader in an attempt to bring people together. We go about our business setting barriers around town of where we are comfortable going and places we avoid. We talk among our friends about “those people” and “what are they thinking” when indeed we are all in this game together. We become “those people” to individuals and groups with whom we have not had the opportunity or taken the time to share meaningful conversation. We don’t understand each other’s viewpoints and choose not to take the time to listen to what we have done to perpetuate attitudes and reactions to…well…people who look like us – whatever the features are that lump us in our particular groups whether they are based on skin tone, religion, socioeconomic levels or any other polarizing characteristic. And, at the end of the day, we all go to our homes without the luxury of having to talk, listen, compromise, yell, cry and finally understand someone who looks, feels, and acts differently than we do.

The thing is, life isn’t fair and the more we expect it to be fair the more disillusioned we will become. But, if we can begin to act out of compassion for others and the desire to get to know them and what makes them who they are; if we can show respect for another person and their experiences in life; and if we can share our abundance, whether it is riches, knowledge, or the ability to see the good in all of God’s creation, then, and only then, we might have a chance at changing this mess we have all created.  It’s about knowing that the world is bigger than our problems – even when our “stuff” seems insurmountable. It’s also about knowing when to ask for help and finding that place or person who will gently and lovingly guide us as we stumble through this crazy, mixed up thing called life.

Ferguson, MO can be a turning point for all of us. Which paradigms will we cling to and which ones will we shift and change to reach for that utopia Martin Luther King, Jr. so beautifully described when he challenged people everywhere to judge others not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character? I might add that list could include to not judge someone based on the town they live in, their income level, what political party they ascribe to, or any other polarizing characteristic we can think of.

It’s time for us to move forward together and create a reality of compassion and inclusion. Life will never be fair, but it can be better.

 

 

 

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