Tag Archives: relationships

Hunkered Down…

19 Thursday Mar 2020

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We are hunkered down for the duration. This is day 4. It feels like day 400. Or 40 years in the wilderness. Or 40 days…  Whatever, the ‘4’ is still the same number, even when we look at multiples of 10 or 100. Big deal? It’s a 4, right? Our concept of time fluctuates when tainted by our perception of danger. “Time stood still”…”Minutes seemed like hours”…we all know the common phrases.

When Moses led the people out of Egypt, there was a period of 40 years in the wilderness. Jesus went into the wilderness for 40 days. The ancient writers of the Psalms spoke of ‘the valley of the shadow on darkness’. There isn’t a theological connection to 400, but when one is navigating the anxious unknown…a wilderness, if you will…it feels like a very long, unending time.

We have a a modest stock of pantry supplies; our necessary medications and vitamins; dog food is on order; and I find myself frequenting Amazon.com for ‘oh ya!’ items – you know, the add-ons we forgot about initially but can’t live without…like printer ink; printer paper; and a stack of books. We have a list of Netflix shows to catch up on. There is plenty of wine. And, yes, we have toilet paper.

What we are having a hard time with is peace of mind. The ‘what if’s’ are endless and cover everything from physical health to financial health to spiritual health. Yes, spiritual health. I find myself yapping at God with a list of why’s and how’s…Why is graduation cancelled? My child has worked so hard!…Why can’t I see my new grandson?…Why can’t I feel safe, even at home?…How long will this go on?…How long, oh Lord?…

Okay, time out! A 14-day period of hunkering down with plenty of food and water is nothing period is nothing compared to living in a war ravished country for year upon unending year. It is nothing compared to the diagnosis of a life changing disease. It is nothing compared to living through the depth of grief and crying out “Why!” and “How long must I suffer!”

We, as Americans, have been inconvenienced. Nothing more and nothing less. This virus has given us opportunity to turn back to a simpler time when compassion and relationship were important virtues. We have the opportunity to rest, relax, and refresh as we spend time enjoying a slower pace. We are encouraged to enjoy the beautiful sights and sounds of nature while we walk, run, or bicycle – physical exercise away from the 4 walls of the gym. Hmmm – there is that number 4 again.

Some say the number 4 represents unity and integrity. Think about it…unity and integrity. We are in this together. We need to see it for what it is and how it impacts ourselves, our families and our neighbors. Our response to the coronavirus must be as a whole…not just me and what I want. It is imperative that we listen to the experts and take their advice no matter how it impacts our plans. Spring break will come again next year and the year after that. However, those who become ill and don’t recover won’t be here to love us and excitedly share our travel pictures and stories. It takes integrity to think outside of self and focus on what we need to do for the benefit of all.

This is a novel concept for our self indulged culture. Our opportunity for growth as we wander and wonder through our relatively brief wilderness is to let our hearts open to the world as God created it. It is a world that only functions when we reach out to ‘the other’; when we are filled with gratitude for who we are and whose we are; and when we let love, compassion, and gratitude fill our hearts so that we can live no other way other than with unity and integrity.

Stop it!

29 Monday Oct 2018

Posted by in acceptance, Christianity, community, compassion, hate, judgment, political correctness, relationships

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My theological brain is about to explode! The cause? The vitriolic rhetoric relentlessly espoused that promotes the divisive climate so prevalent in our country today. We are about as united as the proverbial oil and vinegar with each side claiming moral superiority. We are divided into social units based on how we look; who we love; our gender identity; our age; socioeconomics; neighborhoods; schools; sports team allegiance; where we work, pray and play; what we think is the best breed of dog or if we think cats are the better pet. We point fingers at those who vote differently than we do, as if ‘the other’ has no business being a voice in our country. We divide along lines of plastic or paper (paper, please…); if you want a turtle-killing-straw with that iced tea (yes, please…); or what we think about gun control. We politicize mental illness…the senseless, crazy kind that kills in a twisted, sick, fucked-up need to be immortalized for murder. The left points fingers at the right and the right points right back as if to say, “You did this…not me!” when we certainly are all at fault.

We use our sacred writings as a means to convey a ridiculously high level of spiritual excellence, essentially bullying others into agreeing with our social agenda out of a longing to be righteous. And then…we judge those that don’t agree with our brand of faith or our worldview. Our judgment leads to being judged by those we have demonized for their beliefs. And the cycle continues.

We have allowed political campaigns to run for months and months before election day. In this heated season, I have yet to hear one televised commercial that doesn’t vilify the other opponent; one that tells me what a candidate intends to do; one that seeks to unify rather than divide. And yet, each party claims to be the one focused on their brand…and only their brand…of  their perceived morally exceptional behavior.  There is little room for conversation, let alone compromise. Hurtful labels are plunged deep into the hearts of the criticized doing as much damage to the soul as a dagger does to the flesh.

When indeed, we are all in this beautiful life together.

Let’s try that again…WE ARE ALL IN THIS BEAUTIFUL LIFE TOGETHER!

So now, what do we do? We listen. We listen to our sacred writings and realized that they all speak of compassion and love for our neighbor. We accept that we are made differently for a reason. Many eyes and hearts see a variety of distinct things so that we can come together as a unified whole, not as opposing groups focused on grabbing all of the power. We recognize that our neighbor is in need of a casserole or someone to vacuum or give them a ride; that they long for a message of hope rather than hate; that they simply want someone to validate their life through shared conversation, including those things that have hurt them or those things that inspire them…even when their “stuff” is unfamiliar to us. We realize that our elected officials are not in charge of our morality – good or bad. We accept responsibility to step outside of our lives long enough to see the needs around us.  We stop judging and start understanding. We look at the messages of Jesus, Mohammad, Gandhi, Buddha, and others who spoke of compassion and love, recognizing when rhetoric – religious or otherwise – comes with baggage that feeds into racism, sexism, and all of the other ‘isms’ that attribute to divisive behavior.

What we need is to look at ‘the other’…you know, the one that doesn’t think the way we do…and simply come together…right now…

The Youngbloods hit the music charts in the late 1960’s with a song, Get Together, written by Chet Powers. (Also known as Dino Valenti) Google it. Listen to it. Read and savor the words. Think of it as a prayer for our country – every bit as relevant today as it was half a century ago. Then…LIVE IT!

 

 

We all knew…and we did nothing…

30 Monday Oct 2017

Posted by in "Me too", choices, Christianity, compassion, Hollywood, political correctness, relationships

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The mantras out of Hollywood these days seems to be, “We all knew…” and “Me too…” The intent is to demonize anyone who is accused of sexual misconduct by giving accusers support for their claims years…even decades…after an alleged event. Some accusations are very real and the aggressors need to be called out and held accountable.

I maintain that there are others who are accountable, although it’s not politically correct to call them out as well. I expect my opinion will enrage some, yet I am convinced we must honestly look at our ethical responsibilities in regard to knowing…and doing nothing.

Am I the only one who finds it amazing that there are those who have achieved status on the film industry star list who are just now claiming to have been abused as they made their way to the top? These are women who claim abuse when they were young and unknown, but chose to keep it quiet until recent events made it a popular choice to speak  up about their experiences and rage under the hashtag of “me too”.

Today a newsfeed told the story of male actor who claims abuse in the LGBTQ community…an abuse that occurred over 3 decades ago. The accused has no recollection of the situation, yet chose to apologize for the pain his accuser has carried for so many years. Outspoken members of this community have cried out in support of this young man with the claim, “We all knew.”

Really??? “We all knew!” The next logical statement is, “and we did nothing”.

This is how depravity continues. How can we justify experiencing something and saying nothing to preserve a career? How do we know of the abuse of a teen…a child…and say nothing? Personally, I can’t get over the inherent arrogance and self-righteousness of someone who purports indignation after an atrocity, or alleged atrocity, is made public. Where is the honor in that?

Let me explain further. I understand that we keep some situations hidden in our hearts because they are too painful to share. I also get that as we progress through the years following our horror that we choose not to open the wound by talking about it. Yet, even though we long for our experience to remain private, we have an overwhelming responsibility to those who come behind us to protect them from what we have experienced.

Who among us would allow a daughter or son to spend one-on-one time with a relative who abused us? Or with a teacher, coach or priest who tore away our innocence? We would move mountains to protect our own from the pain we carry day in and day out.

What keeps a well known actor or actress from speaking up? As we give to the future, are we not also responsible for the protection of those who come behind us? It’s more than adopting orphans from impoverished nations, speaking out on gun control or paying lip service to equal rights for women, minorities, and marriage rights. When push comes to shove, we must also find our voices when “we all knew” something wasn’t right or when we cry out “me too” after hearing about a shared experience of sexual exploitation at the hands of someone in a powerful position.

Is it easy to speak up? Absolutely not! But, no one promised us living life as an ethical, compassionate, loving human being would be easy.  God calls us to step into history. We think of Isaiah and Samuel with their hesitant, but definite, “Here I am…” Where is our response to those in need? Will it only come when it’s comfortable to say “Me too”? Or will we step boldly into history, leading the cry that resonates in and through our culture to change those things that are wrong? Will we be the one that steps out in faith…and fear…to challenge the powerful?

Or will we remain quiet to evil and wrong while untold numbers of others face our fate simply because to speak up might change the course of our own, personal history?

We are not called to save ourselves. We are called to love God and love our neighbor. We also know that there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for another. That doesn’t always mean we need to die for another. Sometimes it simply means that we step out of our own life dreams long enough to deliver another or others from a devastating situation. It only makes sense that if we know something or someone is abusive, we must speak out so that our story never becomes someone else’s story…even if it means not getting that next big movie or television contract.

So, my message to the indignant Hollywood types who are busy hashtagging and saying, “We all knew…”, well, you knew and did nothing. Where is the honor in that?

For the rest of us, we need to consciously see where we are called to change a distorted historical trajectory by responding, “Here I am…” to God’s plea of “Whom shall I send?”

 

Right now…

15 Tuesday Aug 2017

Posted by in acceptance, Christianity, community, compassion, difficult times, judgment, love, polarization, relationships

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A group of vegans in Berkley, California protested a butcher shop until the owners agreed to put a sign in their window about animal rights. Their ultimate goal is to make it unlawful to sell meat anywhere in Berkley.

White supremacists protested the removal of a Civil War memorial statue in Charlottesville, VA and were met with a counter protest from anti-racist and anti-fascist demonstrators. A woman died as a result of an angry man focused on superiority.

The president tweets and the media pounces on ‘his intent’ by twisting each of his actual or missing words looking for an assumed intent to support their agenda of who he is and what he stands for.

Someone spews to a mutual friend distorted perceptions of another’s actions fueled by  anger, hurt and jealousy. The story spreads from friend to friend until it is so well known that it becomes a distorted truth.

All the while we cling to noble reasons for our behavior. We are acting out of religious beliefs; secular altruism; distorted world views; personal frustration; boredom; elevated perception of self; crowd mentality; or an array of other twisted beliefs that fuel dangerous and twisted behaviors.

We use our understanding of God to justify atrocious behaviors when indeed God’s plan for creation had nothing to do with hate, lies, violence, exclusivity or superiority.

We ennoble ourselves when we align ourselves with a group that gives itself title to determining who is moral and who is not. Then, we shout our opinion never taking a moment to listen to the other who is, most likely, as quick to shout back their opposing opinion.

We spin local and world events in a way that fits our ultimate agenda. Have you ever looked at the headlines of a conservative media outlet and compared the same event to a liberal source’s headlines? It’s hard to tell it’s the same event making it even more difficult to find fact and truth.

In our personal relationships we become hurt when someone doesn’t cave into our perceptions. We rant and spew, hoping they will see our perspective…and when they don’t, we tell our side to the story to anyone who will listen – hoping to gain their allegiance making inappropriate categories of us against them.

We want to be special, exclusive and above the other. We claw our way to the top with words, demonstrations, religions, economics and war.

And for what?

We are created to live and love in God’s world…period. Not to convince, connive, plot, scheme or manipulate anyone into living life based on our personal litany of rules. We are to come together to correct wrongs by collaborating with those who have different experiences and wisdoms than we do. It means discerning who we are and Whose we are in this amazing creation and living as if that matters. It means understanding that we will all be better off if we make decisions based on what’s good for all – myself and my neighbor – instead of simply looking at what I want or need to be to gain power.

Don’t you know the Divine, by whatever name you call out to – God, Allah, Yahweh –  weeps when we distort our created need for love and relationship into a scramble for wealth, power, and superiority?

During the turbulence of the 60’s and 70’s, a group called the Youngbloods recorded a song written by Dino Valenti. The pleading lyrics never grow old…

Love is but a song to sing
Fear’s the way we die
You can make the mountains ring
Or make the angels cry
Though the bird is on the wing
And you may not know why

Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now

Some may come and some may go
We shall surely pass
When the one that left us here
Returns for us at last
We are but a moment’s sunlight
Fading in the grass

Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now.

If you hear the song I sing
You will understand (listen!)
You hold the key to love and fear
All in your trembling hand
Just one key unlocks them both
It’s there at your command.

Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now

Right now!
Right now!

This has to stop…now…

01 Thursday Jun 2017

Posted by in choices, compassion, difficult times, freedom, hate, judgment, polarization, political correctness

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The Kathy Griffin controversy has completely missed the point. Yes, we have freedom of speech in the United States of America. And, yes, when public opinion and sources of income cringed at her form of twisted comedy, she ‘apologized’. It was a general apology directed at no one. Just an ambiguous “Oh, gosh…I guess I crossed a line” form of apology.

I would like to suggest that Ms Griffin consider whom she affected with her twisted and dark attempt at comedy. The obvious victims are President Trump and his family. Unfortunately both sides of our country’s political war are to blame. We have hung presidents in effigy; we have maligned the integrity of our elected leaders through biased media; we have made those who serve our nation in the executive, legislative and judicial branch into dysfunctional caricatures ; we have impersonated grossly exaggerated traits in the name of comedy; and the list goes on.

Sidebar: And we wonder why we have a problem with bullying in our schools…another topic for another day…

There are others who have been deeply affected by her hateful and self-serving attempt at humor. Does anyone remember Daniel Pearl? He was one of many who was murdered by radical terrorists. His head was severed from his body and held for the world to see and absorb the depth of threat this savage group posed to all of us. There were others…James Foley, Peter Kassig and others who we never knew their names including innocent children. And this is a symbol to be used as a form of political comedy? Ask the families of the dead if they are laughing now. Ask them if they see the humor. Rather, a sincere and heartfelt apology might be appropriate.

A day doesn’t go by that we don’t read about another terrorist attack. Manchester, Brussels, Paris, Afghanistan, New York, Florida, San Bernadino, Boston…to name a few. Innocent people, including children, have been killed by terrorist suicide bombers. The headlines never stop. They keep increasing, terrifying and numbing us to the fact that this isn’t the way God, or by whatever name you call the Divine, created life to be.

I remember being a young woman and reading about bombings in Northern Ireland or conflicts in Israel. I wondered what it would be like to live under such circumstances – never knowing where it is safe. It seemed so foreign and unacceptable. Our worries started and ended with concerns about car accidents and cancer. Never did we imagine that no place, not even a house of worship, is totally safe. Yet, here we are today. We consider where we go and what we do based on the threat level and whether or not the chance is worth it. Some simply stay home. Some try to protect themselves with weapons. Most of us go about life as usual, only more aware of who and what is surrounding us.

So, Ms Griffin, here are several more groups of people who deserve your apology. We have to remember all of the souls that have been lost to these vicious barbarians and the families who suffer their loss. We have to think of the women who have been brutally victimized simply because they are women. We have to think about the children who have been tortured and killed, or those who have been brainwashed into becoming the next generation of merciless beasts. We have to think about the men who have been butchered because they couldn’t and wouldn’t join the ‘forces’. A lame “oops” isn’t going to soothe their pain.

Finally, we cannot forget the armed forces that fight daily to change the course of this scourge. There are young people from most countries in the free world who sacrifice to allow us the comforts of freedom, including free speech. I might also add to this list the families of these young soldiers and sailors; the families of the commanders, admirals and generals; and the mothers, fathers, children and spouses of the fallen as those who need to hear your humble gratitude for all they have given to you so that you ‘have the right’ to defame them in the name of free speech. Which, I might add, is exactly what you did when you used an exceedingly savage symbol in your ‘funny’ hate-filled picture.

This has to stop…now! It isn’t about a comedian making fun of a president whom she doesn’t agree with. This is about each and every one of us understanding how our actions affect others. It’s about living with compassion and character. It’s about humility. It’s about living in relationship with those around us, even when we don’t agree with them. It’s about changing the wrongs in the world through working together. It’s about so much more than getting the last laugh no matter who it hurts. It’s about knowing that no person or group should be the butt of our jokes no matter what! It’s about knowing that we have the right to disagree, but never the right to maliciously malign another person.

Ellen DeGeneres once said she would never make a joke at someone else’s expense. This, friends, is a great comedian and compassionate woman.

Ms Griffin? Not so much…

 

 

 

 

Relationships only work if…

23 Thursday Mar 2017

Posted by in acceptance, Christianity, community, compassion, hate, human nature, political correctness, relationships

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Relationships only work if…

The fill-in-the-blank on that one seems obvious. In reality, it is subject to many deviations from reality. Children come home from school professing to hate a former best friend because they didn’t agree on something. Group mentality prevents one faction from embracing another because of loyalties to the club, gang, team, religion or whatever chasm divides them into rivals or enemies. A spouse has expectations that aren’t met and withdraws rather than entering conversation toward understanding. Relationships…

We rant about those who think, look, speak, worship or love differently than we do, all the while circling ourselves with those who reflect our views and attitudes in a disturbing attempt to be on the right side…as if that alone gives us worth as a person. Indeed, that thought process simply causes us to diminish the perceived worth of those who do not meet our beliefs and expectations. Relationships…

We have come to a place in our society where groups pride themselves on polarization and vilifying those who don’t share their mandated common cause. I read a news article today that gave permission to hate someone who voted for a candidate the reader didn’t like. Seriously!!! Our freedom to vote for the candidate of our choice was leveled to a school yard fight. It’s the old “my way or the highway” concept of how to get along in life – a philosophy that has never worked to promote a healthy relationship.

What ever happened to listening? You know, two ears and one mouth…use them proportionately? What about listening to another’s views, beliefs and attitudes openly and honestly to understand what they think, feel and love? What about finding common ground and growing out of that commonality? What about recognizing that life experiences lead all of us in different directions and to different understandings? And, what about sharing our collective wisdoms to find solutions that are cooperative and greater than any one perspective could ever produce? Relationships!!!

Instead, we tend to dig in our heels and deny that any mindset other than the one we share with our cronies has validity. We jump into conflict and believe resolution will come only when we get our way. And, we believe this at all cost. Friends, it is where we are at in our country, our neighborhoods, our families, our churches, our offices, our schools… We have become the Polarized States of America. Unity is gone and we believe it won’t return until  everyone else buys into our narrow-minded rhetoric. Be very clear, it is all narrow minded rhetoric when it becomes a rabidly held belief, no matter how liberal or conservative the motives are.

Our demise will come from our inability to listen…to understand…to believe in the good of someone who disagrees with us…to respect differing opinions. All we really need to do is listen and understand that our own hot air professions aren’t the only game in town. Finally, the goal shouldn’t be about who wins and who loses…the goal should be about how we nurture relationships.

And, relationships only work if…

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”   – Maya Angelou

When the march is over…

06 Monday Feb 2017

Posted by in acceptance, Christianity, community, compassion, judgment, life lessons, polarization, relationships, Uncategorized

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We march for racial equality; for candidates and against candidates; for women’s rights; for refugees; for immigration; for border walls and for no border walls. We march for causes that affect a few and causes that affect many. Some marches are joyful, and some are filled with sadness and pain. Some marches destroy businesses, homes and cars while others are peaceful. Some stop traffic. Some perpetuate caustic and potentially unrealistic perspectives, while others promote excitement and hope.

But, at the end of the day…what happens when the march is over? What happens to the children, the women, the immigrants, the refugees and the causes we marched for? What happens to the racial divide we hope to bridge and the politicians we hope to silence? What happens when we go home to our families and our lives…when the march is over?

I am not a demonstrative person. A personal philosophy of mine is, “When you know what red tape you are facing, figure out a way to cut through it.” Red tape doesn’t go away through demonstration. Most often it becomes a red ravine with ‘we-uns’ on one side and ‘you-uns’ on the other. We polarize and spew disbelief and hate at those who don’t think the way we think or believe the solutions we propose. The more we demonstrate, the deeper the ravine becomes until we can’t even see that our way is not the only game in town. We become encapsulated in a solution that solves our agenda without realizing that said solution may be cause for another to demonstrate just as earnestly and violently as we just did.

You see, we are not all the same. We all come into life innocent and full of hope. Life, then,  pulls us in a myriad of directions to form us into the people we are today. For some, life is full of freedom and trust. For others it is merely something to survive. Some are strong, while others succumb to less desirable paths simply to make it from day to day. Marches happen when the stronger people see the injustices placed on others and take on the cause to improve opportunities for the marginalized. That is a noble cause!

However, I continue to ask – What happens when the march is over?

Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. famously said, “Life’s most persistent and urgent questions is, ‘what are you doing for others?'”

When the march is over, what are we doing to promote our cause? What are we doing to improve racial relations? Are we lifting men and women in poverty up so that they are able to find the freedom from financial devastation? Are we teaching and mentoring children who are struggling with horrible home lives to see the value in who they are as individuals in this world? Are we doing something as simple as meeting our neighbors?

Unfortunately, when the march is over, many will go home and talk about the march as if the event alone will improve deplorable conditions. They will build a coalition of people who think as they do and march again and again, just to prove a point.

But, what does the march do for those in need of change?

John F. Kennedy aptly said, “No amount of laws can make a man do right.”

We can lobby congress, meticulously select judges, and write platforms at caucuses. We can campaign for our candidates and put signs in our yards. Yet, all of this is simply relying on others to do what we should be doing ourselves. Each and every one of us has the ability to roll up our sleeves and to start or join organizations focused on giving hope to those who have none. It can be a food pantry, a youth program, substance abuse mentoring, volunteer tutoring, prison counseling or simply participating in an organization with people who see life differently than you do because of who they are and where they come from.

And – we need to do it without judgment. We all have a story to tell. When we listen to others tell the story of who they are and where they come from , we will expand our compassion beyond our limited experiences and see the world through a different lens. Little by little we all will grow together as God’s people, loving others as we love ourselves.

The march may or may not be step one. What I know for sure is that work needs to happen when the march is over. The surest way for change to occur is when we step outside of our lives and enter into the lives of others as individuals who care, who can offer hope, and who can help one another navigate this crazy thing called life. The challenge is staggering, but it can happen if we take it one step at a time and, quite realistically, one person at a time. Mistakes will be made and we will all need to seek forgiveness and grace…one step at a time, one person at a time.

Where will you be when the march is over?

“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?’ and I said, ‘Here I am, Lord.'”     Isaiah 6:8   

Unexpected life lessons…

13 Wednesday Aug 2014

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13078766-girl-walking-a-dog-in-park-in-spring-silhouette-layered-one-in-the-series-of-similar-imagesI wasn’t prepared for what I saw while walking with my dog this morning.

Walking Lucy can be an interesting endeavor. We have learned which houses have dogs that bark at us. She knows when to sachet that little golden-doodle backside of hers past them and when to immediately put me between her and the barkers. We visit every telephone pole and fire hydrant as if she is checking to see which old friends have or have not walked by recently. She has an affinity for zoysia grass, lowering her head like an anteater into the shaggy turf. She frequently squats to marks her territory and has taught me to carry several bags for – shall we say – elimination collection purposes. And, she inspects and investigates every new sound, weed, trash barrel, paper scrap and used Kleenex she comes across with excitement. They are all treasures to her. She doesn’t care if it is raining, sunny, humid, cold, steaming hot or snowing – she wants her walk. She is my work-out coach, letting me know that it’s time to pull my bones out of the house and hit the streets to check on life in our community.

This morning we came upon an elderly couple slowly walking hand in hand. As we got closer I saw the tall, somewhat hunched over gentleman wore a backpack with a transportable oxygen tank and hose. I assumed the tiny woman next to him was taking him for a walk as he recovered from, or endured, some illness or surgery. I put Lucy into “heel” to keep her from invading their space as we walked by. It was then that I noticed the oxygen hose was for the woman. The man was sharing his energy with her by carrying her oxygen on his back and holding her hand while they enjoyed a brief walk on a spectacularly beautiful morning. We exchanged a brief, “Good morning” and smile. Lucy and I kept up our moderate pace, however I spent the remainder of our walk thinking about marriage, partnership, compassion and what it truly means to love another person.

I don’t know if they were a married couple or not. My romanticized guess is that they have known each other for many years. Maybe they shared raising children, having barbecues and holiday celebrations. Maybe they took trips together, or went hiking, snorkeling, dancing or simply shared the day-to-day routine that weaves one’s soul into a beautiful tapestry with another. It’s also very possibly that they met recently, finding comfort and companionship in each other’s company while sharing stories about other loves, dreams and passions that defined their earlier lives.

It doesn’t actually matter what led them to the point they are currently living. What I do know is they have something deeply personal in whatever their relationship is during this chapter of their lives, he shares her burden and she accepts his compassion.

I guess that brings up some questions that should be the gauge we use for all of our relationships:

  • Are we there when our friends, children, family, neighbors or spouses need us?
  • Do we feel safe when they offer us help dealing with whatever burden we have been given?
  • Do we trust those around us enough to allow them the opportunity to hear our stories – even the ones we pretend never happened – and to still care for and about us in spite of where we have been and what we have done?
  • Are we willing to let someone walk with us, hand in hand, when we trudge through the muck of life?
  • And, are we there as completely for them?

I think of weddings I have been to where people are encouraged to have Christ at the center of their marriage as insulation against the relationship failing. For so many years I thought that simply meant they were supposed to share the same religious beliefs, go to church together and regularly remind themselves that they believe in God. Unfortunately, that superficial approach to marriage is a recipe for failure.

You see, to have Christ at the center of the marriage isn’t about what you say or even about what you do that others can see. Christ enters the marriage when partners trust the other one has their back no matter what. So it is, as well, for partnerships and friendships. Do the people around us feel trusting and at ease in our presence or are they on edge, unsure of what we will say or do? Who do you call for at 2:00 in the morning when the world starts to spin uncontrollably? Who can safely and trustingly call you?

Christ was like a magnet for the lonely, the disabled and the outcast without regard for socioeconomics, ethnicity and gender. His acceptance and compassion, even in the face of broken lives, always led to something exciting and new. The funny thing is, those who were arrogant, seeking power or immersed in their positions were threatened by his message of love. They couldn’t drop their fabricated personas long enough to look into his eyes and realize some things life lures us into just aren’t important.

Christ at the center means living as Christ showed us how to live. It isn’t about saying a certain prayer or following a litany of religious rules. As he said in, Matthew 22:36-40:

 ‘Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?’ He said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and all your soul and all your mind. This is the greatest and first commandment. The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commands hang all the law and the prophets.’

God, the author of love, loved the world so much that God sent Jesus to show us how to live as God created us to live. In turn, Jesus loved God and humankind so much that all of his actions were based on those loves.

So, back to relationships, partnerships and marriage…if we live life as Christ modeled life for us, we, too, will love the one who created us and we will love those around us. Another way of reading this is to say we will respect that God created each and every one of us as only God can, full of goodness. When we let that goodness shine, we will be kind, compassionate, loving and trustworthy to all we encounter in our daily lives. That includes our spouses, partners or companions.

You see, relationships don’t end when the behaviors Christ modeled for us are present. Those are the things that draw people together to grow and live life as God intended for us to life it. It’s when selfishness and personal gain become the reason for the relationship that it fails.

The elderly couple knew it. Oh, I’m sure they have had their moments of conflict and frustration. But, they also seemed know how to carry each other’s burdens so completely and with so much trust, that nothing could come between what they had for each other.

And so it is for all of us, by living life compassionately sharing God’s loving ways, as modeled to us by Christ, at the center of our relationships, we have a tangible a plan to use as a guide for our interactions, behaviors and attitudes toward each other.

Relationships, judging and crummy movies…

03 Tuesday Jun 2014

Posted by in Christianity, compassion, human nature, relationships, spirituality

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Some things make me crazy. For example, I hate weeds in my garden; pushy people make me irrational; spotted windows challenge my inner OCD; and find another place to be if my computer, cell phone and/or iPad decide not to work. I try to keep it all in perspective, but some things are tipping points – plain and simple.

The thing that brings me to borderline insanity is when I am around people who have decided they know what I think without taking the time to talk with me about my beliefs and opinions. It seems to be epidemic in our culture today.

We watched a movie the other night. It was not Hollywood’s finest. In all actuality, the plot should have taken about 10 minutes. The film run time was padded with repeated statements, scene’s that made me ever so glad our children didn’t watch it with us and adjectives that would make a Sailor blush. (With all due respect to our United States Navy and what they do to protect and support humanitarianism and world freedom.) The scenario depicted three young men who were either leaving or avoiding relationships. One line made the movie worth the time we invested in it: “…and being there when someone needs you is all relationships are.”

Such a simple statement! It takes the pressure off, doesn’t it? Well, maybe. The key to understanding the concept of a relationship lies in the words “being there”. It reminds us that there is actually some form of responsibility involved in a relationship. Like, a relationship is more than simply enjoying another person’s company and having a good time hanging out with them. There comes a time when something draws us to dive beneath the surface and bring us to that place where we would support, help, guide, nurture, stand beside, rescue, protect, or praise the person we happen to say we are in a relationship with. You know, be there when life happens whether it’s a good or a not so good thing.

But, to be there you have to know the other person. What do they actually believe? How do they really feel about a situation? It isn’t enough to think you know about them simply because of some form of generalizations you make regarding their work, political slant, or spiritual beliefs. Nor is it fair to categorize anyone based on gender, ethnicity, sexual preference, the neighborhood they live in, the car they drive, the complexity or simplicity of their intellect or whether or not they have bad breath. Hmmm – it all sounds a lot like judging someone when we use these traits to assume we know what and how a person thinks.

In his amazing and divine wisdom, Jesus addressed this issue of judgment towards others. Some denominations have turned the concept of judging into a statement of eschatology complete with the false claim of having an insider’s knowledge of who will pass through the pearly gates and who will spend eternity in hell. Unfortunately, to believe that I am in the “saved” category simply because I ascribe to a particular self-righteous lifestyle and subsequently make attempts to bring you into the fold on the pretense that you must change your ways because they are different than mine and therefore they put you in the ‘unsaved’ category is nothing less than absurd. That perspective masks the true intent of Christ’s statement.

You see, Jesus’ messages to us are all pretty uncomplicated. The real beauty is that he didn’t just say them; he lived like he believed them. We all know his statement about the greatest two commandments. Many Christians don’t realize he begins with the Shema, the central prayer of the Jewish faith which can be found in Deuteronomy 6.

Hear, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise.  Bind them as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem on your forehead, and write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

In Matthew 22 Christ elaborates on the Shema, not changing it…rather expanding on the meaning of loving God.

He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’

This should lead us to deepening our understanding of “loving” God. You see, when we love God with all of our hearts, with all of our souls and with all of our minds we also love all that God created and all that God loves…which is pretty much everything.

This brings us back to judging others and how doing so moves against the concept of love.  Jesus gave us a simple statement for this as well.

Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye?

There is something about our human nature that compels us to live by comparison, as if our achievement ratings make us something special. In essence, Jesus called this a myopic perspective. You know, things that are near can be seen clearly, but things that are far away become blurred. He just used logs and specks to make the point clear to his listeners. Sometimes we need a corrective lens to see the blurred images. Sometimes that lens is a long conversation that pulls us out of judging another and into a place of understanding the value of their opinions…even if we don’t agree with them.

Unfortunately, we have some form of misguided belief that friends are people who see eye to eye on everything. First, that isn’t really possible and second, watch how fast such a friendship fails when one party or the other experiences a differing opinion. Those kinds of friendships are based on looking at the other person as a reflection of ourselves and absolutely liking what we see. The more we look, the more we like…until we see a wart, a zit, a blemish that threatens the perfection of our egocentric self. Then, we judge…and they judge…we judge some more…and so it goes.

It is actually much easier to judge someone we don’t know at all. We read a news article or see a television report. Maybe we hear about them from a friend who heard something from another friend. By focusing on the other person’s perceived failures, I might feel pretty good about where I am in life. But, what if I actually meet that person and talk to them? What story will they be able to tell me about the experiences that drew them into certain behaviors or activities? How are their beliefs different than mine? Is there something I can learn from knowing who they are and where they come from? How will my life change as a result of knowing them? How will their life change as a result of knowing me?

Therein lies the depth of meaning in a simple statement from a decidedly bad movie. “Being there when someone needs you is all that relationships are.” To be there, I have to care. I have to know what will help and what won’t. To know those things can only come from knowing the other person. No, not assuming I know them and what’s best for them, but knowing who they are and what they need from me right now…right here.

There is a story about farming in Kenya. The farms were producing poorly. Mission groups talked about teaching the Kenyans to increase their crop production through irrigation systems, better seed, crop rotation and the techniques that American farmers use. However, when they sat down and talked with the Kenyans, they learned that the problem was because of elephants. The solution was to build fences to keep the elephants out of the crops.

Relationships = being there (conversation + listening + understanding – judgment)

There is nothing in the equation about agreeing with everything the other person says, does or believes. It’s essence is in  caring enough about another person to take that proverbial walk in their shoes – along with them.

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