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Category Archives: acceptance

A young man, a police officer and human nature…

20 Wednesday Aug 2014

Posted by Linda in acceptance, choices, compassion, Ferguson MO, human nature, relationships, Responsibility

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acceptance, choices, Community, compassion, Ferguson MO, Hope, human nature, relationship, responsibility

Recent events in a suburb of St Louis have monopolized the news. A young black man was shot by a white police officer. That’s about all we know of the situation. Various opinions have been offered by the media as to what actually happened. Yet, at this point the investigation continues and the general public is not privy to facts…only speculations surrounding the entire event.

The president spoke about restoring calm in the community. Sheriffs and now the National Guard have replaced local law enforcement. There is a national controversy about police departments, how they maintain the public trust, what equipment they should or should not use in explosive situations, and how they respond to groups of people identified by categories such as “minorities”, “impoverished”, “uneducated” and a litany of titles used to pit ethnicity against ethnicity, socioeconomic level against socioeconomic level, and community against community.

I am not a young, black male. I am a woman of a certain age who happens to be Caucasian. I know nothing of the day-to-day life, joys, frustrations, hopes, dreams, or lack of hopes and dreams that can come from growing up in a difficult urban setting. In kind, most young, black males know nothing about people who look like me. Yet, our human nature tries to make some crazy, twisted sense out of seriously misguided attempts to categorize groups of people by what they look like and where they come from when indeed the only means to know someone is to listen to their story with the intention of appreciating what they know about life based on where they come from and what they have been through. This is not to say we must condone every action with some Freudian rationale that the events of life forced the person to act as they did and therefore they are no longer responsible for what they do. Rather it is to understand that all of our behaviors are the product of what we believe life to be. That does not minimize the fact that we are always personally responsible for the choices we make – even when life does not seem fair.

Over the past generations, people who look like me have come through discrimination in academics and professions like medicine and law; religious roles and ordination; equality of wages; and business advancement opportunities. We have experienced cutthroat tactics from those who ”made it” and joined the rank and file of the “good old boys club” rather than mentoring those who came behind them. Some expected my generation of women to be submissive or subservient to men. I recall the question a fellow seminary student asked during a classroom discussion on women in ministry. “Why a woman would ever want to be a pastor?” He went on to question why women couldn’t simply find their fulfillment in being a wife and mother. The year was 2004. The young man asking the question was African-American.

You see, the discrimination against women wasn’t simply the result of a white, male dominated society. One must note many women held similar beliefs of who we were expected to be. It took radical thinking people of both genders and a variety of backgrounds and races to change the thought controlling paradigm which kept women and girls from using all of their gifts and talents to enrich the world we all live in. And, it took time to move all of us from a place where we accepted a dated archetype – even if we didn’t like it – to a place where we were respected for our abilities. We had to enter unknown places, boldly and with respect for those who were attempting to navigate the same uncharted territory with us. Mistakes were made, however underlying everything was the knowledge that we all have something to offer society that cannot and should not be squelched because we happened to be born female.

I remember asking the young man why he wanted to go into ministry, suggesting that his motivation and mine were very similar. Our differences in appearance could act as a barrier to understanding each other or our similar beliefs and perspectives on ministry could form a bridge to navigate who we are and whose we are in God’s world.

That brings us back to the young man, the police officer and a media frenzy. Certainly what happened in Ferguson, MO was not isolated. Reports of police brutality are plenty, not only among young black men, but also among people of every ethnicity. So are stories of law enforcement officers, caring and compassionate men and women, who put their lives on the line everyday to protect and serve. It’s not only African-American families who need to teach their young how to respond when confronted by an officer. We must all teach our children respect for authority as well as how to diffuse a situation that is moving out of control. Even bigger is the need to teach our children not to pigeonhole another into ethnic, socioeconomic, political, religious, or sexual orientation categories complete with characteristics that all people within a certain demographic must have.

Women had a difficult task as we moved forward toward gender equality. I am convinced that part of our ability to change the perception of what our roles should be was because of family life. No, I am not going down the path of who’s a good father and who isn’t. Nor am I going to focus on what makes a “good family”. Those are not my issues to judge. I am saying that at the end of the day, whether it was the suffragette protesters demanding the right to vote or the corporate executive trying to break through the glass ceiling, women went home. And, in that home they interacted with fathers, spouses, sons, uncles, brothers, and male neighbors.  In work and at school they spoke with counterparts who were men. Every step of the way, women had opportunity to talk and to be heard about life as it was compared to life as it should be. These conversations impacted attitudes on so many levels! Men began to question whether or not they would want their daughters, wives, sisters or mothers treated as second class citizens. Conversations from the dinner table, the family reunion, the conference room, the classroom and the bedroom slowly changed a woman’s role in America so that opportunities for girls and women began to resemble the opportunities available to boys and men.

Unfortunately, the task is even more difficult as our nation attempts to bridge racial divides. Many homes and communities remain homogenous. Our human nature elicits a sense of comfort and acceptance when we spend time with people who look and think the way we do. Social media and news publications generate information that pits liberals against conservatives; affluent communities against impoverished communities; race against race when indeed these sources spew conflict as a means to sell something for a profit and not to actually inform the reader in an attempt to bring people together. We go about our business setting barriers around town of where we are comfortable going and places we avoid. We talk among our friends about “those people” and “what are they thinking” when indeed we are all in this game together. We become “those people” to individuals and groups with whom we have not had the opportunity or taken the time to share meaningful conversation. We don’t understand each other’s viewpoints and choose not to take the time to listen to what we have done to perpetuate attitudes and reactions to…well…people who look like us – whatever the features are that lump us in our particular groups whether they are based on skin tone, religion, socioeconomic levels or any other polarizing characteristic. And, at the end of the day, we all go to our homes without the luxury of having to talk, listen, compromise, yell, cry and finally understand someone who looks, feels, and acts differently than we do.

The thing is, life isn’t fair and the more we expect it to be fair the more disillusioned we will become. But, if we can begin to act out of compassion for others and the desire to get to know them and what makes them who they are; if we can show respect for another person and their experiences in life; and if we can share our abundance, whether it is riches, knowledge, or the ability to see the good in all of God’s creation, then, and only then, we might have a chance at changing this mess we have all created.  It’s about knowing that the world is bigger than our problems – even when our “stuff” seems insurmountable. It’s also about knowing when to ask for help and finding that place or person who will gently and lovingly guide us as we stumble through this crazy, mixed up thing called life.

Ferguson, MO can be a turning point for all of us. Which paradigms will we cling to and which ones will we shift and change to reach for that utopia Martin Luther King, Jr. so beautifully described when he challenged people everywhere to judge others not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character? I might add that list could include to not judge someone based on the town they live in, their income level, what political party they ascribe to, or any other polarizing characteristic we can think of.

It’s time for us to move forward together and create a reality of compassion and inclusion. Life will never be fair, but it can be better.

 

 

 

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Unexpected life lessons…

13 Wednesday Aug 2014

Posted by Linda in acceptance, Christianity, compassion, love, marriage, relationships

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acceptance, Christ, compassion, God, love, relationships

13078766-girl-walking-a-dog-in-park-in-spring-silhouette-layered-one-in-the-series-of-similar-imagesI wasn’t prepared for what I saw while walking with my dog this morning.

Walking Lucy can be an interesting endeavor. We have learned which houses have dogs that bark at us. She knows when to sachet that little golden-doodle backside of hers past them and when to immediately put me between her and the barkers. We visit every telephone pole and fire hydrant as if she is checking to see which old friends have or have not walked by recently. She has an affinity for zoysia grass, lowering her head like an anteater into the shaggy turf. She frequently squats to marks her territory and has taught me to carry several bags for – shall we say – elimination collection purposes. And, she inspects and investigates every new sound, weed, trash barrel, paper scrap and used Kleenex she comes across with excitement. They are all treasures to her. She doesn’t care if it is raining, sunny, humid, cold, steaming hot or snowing – she wants her walk. She is my work-out coach, letting me know that it’s time to pull my bones out of the house and hit the streets to check on life in our community.

This morning we came upon an elderly couple slowly walking hand in hand. As we got closer I saw the tall, somewhat hunched over gentleman wore a backpack with a transportable oxygen tank and hose. I assumed the tiny woman next to him was taking him for a walk as he recovered from, or endured, some illness or surgery. I put Lucy into “heel” to keep her from invading their space as we walked by. It was then that I noticed the oxygen hose was for the woman. The man was sharing his energy with her by carrying her oxygen on his back and holding her hand while they enjoyed a brief walk on a spectacularly beautiful morning. We exchanged a brief, “Good morning” and smile. Lucy and I kept up our moderate pace, however I spent the remainder of our walk thinking about marriage, partnership, compassion and what it truly means to love another person.

I don’t know if they were a married couple or not. My romanticized guess is that they have known each other for many years. Maybe they shared raising children, having barbecues and holiday celebrations. Maybe they took trips together, or went hiking, snorkeling, dancing or simply shared the day-to-day routine that weaves one’s soul into a beautiful tapestry with another. It’s also very possibly that they met recently, finding comfort and companionship in each other’s company while sharing stories about other loves, dreams and passions that defined their earlier lives.

It doesn’t actually matter what led them to the point they are currently living. What I do know is they have something deeply personal in whatever their relationship is during this chapter of their lives, he shares her burden and she accepts his compassion.

I guess that brings up some questions that should be the gauge we use for all of our relationships:

  • Are we there when our friends, children, family, neighbors or spouses need us?
  • Do we feel safe when they offer us help dealing with whatever burden we have been given?
  • Do we trust those around us enough to allow them the opportunity to hear our stories – even the ones we pretend never happened – and to still care for and about us in spite of where we have been and what we have done?
  • Are we willing to let someone walk with us, hand in hand, when we trudge through the muck of life?
  • And, are we there as completely for them?

I think of weddings I have been to where people are encouraged to have Christ at the center of their marriage as insulation against the relationship failing. For so many years I thought that simply meant they were supposed to share the same religious beliefs, go to church together and regularly remind themselves that they believe in God. Unfortunately, that superficial approach to marriage is a recipe for failure.

You see, to have Christ at the center of the marriage isn’t about what you say or even about what you do that others can see. Christ enters the marriage when partners trust the other one has their back no matter what. So it is, as well, for partnerships and friendships. Do the people around us feel trusting and at ease in our presence or are they on edge, unsure of what we will say or do? Who do you call for at 2:00 in the morning when the world starts to spin uncontrollably? Who can safely and trustingly call you?

Christ was like a magnet for the lonely, the disabled and the outcast without regard for socioeconomics, ethnicity and gender. His acceptance and compassion, even in the face of broken lives, always led to something exciting and new. The funny thing is, those who were arrogant, seeking power or immersed in their positions were threatened by his message of love. They couldn’t drop their fabricated personas long enough to look into his eyes and realize some things life lures us into just aren’t important.

Christ at the center means living as Christ showed us how to live. It isn’t about saying a certain prayer or following a litany of religious rules. As he said in, Matthew 22:36-40:

 ‘Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?’ He said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and all your soul and all your mind. This is the greatest and first commandment. The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commands hang all the law and the prophets.’

God, the author of love, loved the world so much that God sent Jesus to show us how to live as God created us to live. In turn, Jesus loved God and humankind so much that all of his actions were based on those loves.

So, back to relationships, partnerships and marriage…if we live life as Christ modeled life for us, we, too, will love the one who created us and we will love those around us. Another way of reading this is to say we will respect that God created each and every one of us as only God can, full of goodness. When we let that goodness shine, we will be kind, compassionate, loving and trustworthy to all we encounter in our daily lives. That includes our spouses, partners or companions.

You see, relationships don’t end when the behaviors Christ modeled for us are present. Those are the things that draw people together to grow and live life as God intended for us to life it. It’s when selfishness and personal gain become the reason for the relationship that it fails.

The elderly couple knew it. Oh, I’m sure they have had their moments of conflict and frustration. But, they also seemed know how to carry each other’s burdens so completely and with so much trust, that nothing could come between what they had for each other.

And so it is for all of us, by living life compassionately sharing God’s loving ways, as modeled to us by Christ, at the center of our relationships, we have a tangible a plan to use as a guide for our interactions, behaviors and attitudes toward each other.

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Political correctness, tolerance and Picasso…

16 Friday May 2014

Posted by Linda in acceptance, Christianity, compassion, human nature, political correctness, relationships, spirituality, tolerance

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acceptance, Christianity, compassion, human nature, political correctness, spirituality, Tolerance

I am sick of political correctness. I think it has more to do with the ‘political’ part of the phrase. Nor am I a fan of tolerance. It smacks of sanctimony and arrogance. It’s our human nature to place a level of righteousness on our beliefs and hold them as the proper perspective in a given the situation. To tolerate alternative ideas is to support another person’s right to think any old way they choose while maintaining my right to feel superior for having the accurate and appropriate belief. Yuck! Who wants to be around that?

Now, about political correctness. I believe there are appropriate and inappropriate behaviors that should be based on civility, manners and compassion. Most world religions have ethical and moral guidelines that let us know when we are playing ‘nice’ and when we are being tasteless and need to rethink our motivation to say or do certain things. Unfortunately, the politically correct movement seems to be generated by those who want to seem tolerant so they instruct the rest of us on what is acceptable – or not – based on their standards and find anyone who doesn’t agree to be intolerant thereby making the alleged tolerant group intolerant of those whom they deem intolerant. You get my point??? Who gets to decide what is correct and what isn’t? It seems be the opinion of the loudest voice when, indeed, there are times that person or group must be challenged.

I am not contending that certain behaviors in our culture don’t need to go away – permanently. It’s not okay to make generalizations about groups of people based on race, gender, socioeconomic level, intellectual abilities, disabilities, hair color, eye color, state they live in, country they came from, sexual preference, books they like or what side they prefer to lay on when they sleep. Not okay! But, we all pretty much know that and, for the most part, are conditioned to be…well, tolerant.

Then there are the groups that the politically correct crowd has decided are fair game for ridicule with absurd generalizations. Just try saying you are Christian, or God forbid…fundamentalist Christian. Throw in a splash of Republican slant and let the games begin. At this point you will become a woman hating, money hungry, uncompassionate, hypocritical homophobe. There are some who might be! The problem is embedded in thinking that everyone within a demographic feels, behaves and believes the same way. Further, the targeted group is judged without tolerance or giving an individual the respect to be heard.

My guess is some of you agreed with me regarding generalizations about race, gender, yada, yada, yada. But, when I got to the hot button buzzwords some polarized in one direction and others were crazed the other way. The thing is, political correctness only welcomes those groups that the politically correct movement chooses to accommodate. Those falling outside of their chosen agendas seem to be fair game to categorize and ridicule.

You also might be wondering why this rant is showing up in a blog that is traditionally focused on Christian spirituality. It’s pretty simple. Nowhere in scripture does Jesus attempt to sway anyone toward his beliefs with sarcasm or contempt for who they are or where they come from. He accepted – not tolerated – Samaritans, tax collectors, prostitutes, crazy people, women, Pharisees and an entire litany of fringe groups as he walked among us. Notice the word ‘us’? He didn’t stay away from or make fun of those people. It didn’t matter who they were! Nor did he arrogantly tolerate them. His compassion included full acceptance for the person he was talking to. It wasn’t about shaming them into thinking his way or accusing them of being less worthy of his time if they were different than him. He showed compassion for all and it was through that compassion that people grew beyond the prejudicial thoughts that bound them.

And, yes, there are fringe groups in all world religions that maintain radical beliefs that unless we look, think and believe with them, we are not worthy of God’s love. I prefer to let God make that determination, thank you very much. Again, if we believe that God loved the world and sent Christ to teach us God’s ways, then we must recognize that God loved the WORLD – not just my corner of it, or my particular group of cronies. Everyone is included in that love. Even the people we make fun of or shame or avoid because they don’t share our physical characteristics, lifestyle or beliefs.

Think of Picasso. Did you know that he not only painted, he created sculptures, ceramics, tapestries and drawings? Further, not all of his paintings are abstract. If I happen into a museum exhibiting his work, I may resonate with one piece over another, although I wouldn’t think to destroy the integrity of a painting or statue that I didn’t understand. Then, if I choose to study his life and art, I might begin to see the beauty in a piece that I previously dismissed. Maybe it will be in his use of color or in the grace or elegance depicted through the flow of lines in his subject. I might become so consumed with his works that I internalize the intimacies of his art and no longer need to look for his signature as a means to recognize the creator.

It is much like our relationship with God. It’s no coincidence that scripture begins with two equally beautiful descriptions of God’s joy in creating all that we know and exclaiming, “it is good”. I guess “good” includes cockroaches and snakes, although I’m not sure why. It also includes all those people who are different than me, as well as dogs, cats, tomatoes, trees and ponds. When I look at these things, not simply as objects around me, but rather as the art of God – the things God made – I recognize the artist’s love for each and every object in his/her collection and I learn to handle those items as if I truly believe they are good.

Ellen DeGeneres said it quite well in regard to her comedy:

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else’s expense. And I find that that’s just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else’s feelings.

Sometimes we bully to get a laugh, to make a point, to get a political vote or in a misguided attempt to elevate our own status or power. It’s never okay – not under the guise of political correctness or the equally offensive buzzword “tolerance”. It is okay to honestly and respectfully share perspectives and grow in acceptance of someone who is different than you, remembering all the while that you are indeed different to them as well.

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